( USUK ) The Boy Who Chased the Stars
by ItalianCanines
Summary: ( USUK depression AU) Arthur Kirkland is a young teen struggling with depression. He's scared of himself, terrified and confused with the world around him. But when Arthur meets Alfred Jones, his depression seems to exist only in the small crevices in his mind. But once Arthur discovers something awful about his past, he wonders if he'll ever be free. ((Trigger warning -later-))
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I'm putting this at the top woah**

Most stories I do these at the bottom. This one deserves a top one. This story is ((If you couldn't tell by the title)) **going to be covering some very serious material.** Such as dealing with depression, PTSD, self harm, and mentions of rape. I will **not, or ever**, make jokes about these themes in this story.** I will be using the serious themes as a serious matter as they should be used, not in a funny or erotic way.**

**Trigger warning; **This chapter isn't too too bad, but the ones later on, especially later when Alfred's and Arthur's relationship advances.

I am very sorry if I offend anyone with this story. I'm not trying too, and I understand that covering serious stuff like this is kinda risky. I have depression, so I understand most of what that is. As for PTSD i've studied short term and know a decent chunk about it. Plus, I know that people with depression don't hate everything, obviously (as I just said, I have mild depression myself), Arthur's just somewhat of a grump.

Okay, hopefully i've provided enough of a warning UwU I don't want anyone to have a trigger or anything. If you still want to read this for the characters and to skip the self harm or the mentioning of rape, I will put a warning before each chapter individually. I just wanted to put this here so everybody knows what will be in this fic.

So, Arthur's an artist, Alfred's a singer. I'm a huge fan of AU's where Alfred can sing well UwU Chapters will be this size if not smaller.

Rated M for sensative material, language, and smutt

_Enjoy~_

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**_ The Depression Of Arthur Kirkland_**

**_X_**

* * *

I looked down at the fresh, clean bandages covering my arms. They were not itchy, nor uncomfortable, just a little tight was all. They made me gnaw my lip in anxiety, as everybody could see the shame that hid behind those white, friendly strips of cotton. Even if the bandages were not see through, everybody could tell what was hiding. They wrapped from my wrists to my elbows on both arms, and they felt awkward, sitting there over healing cuts. My arms wrested on my lap, my thumbs fighting with each other, my hands glued to my twiddling thumbs. I tried to imagine as if they were talking to each other, tough wrestling terms or something. Anything to keep me distracted from the white room. It reminded me too much of the hospital, and I didn't like it. It wasn't the hospital exactly, similar, but not. No bodies being wheeled in. No Arthur Kirkland screaming and pulling with all his might at the restraints. With everybody staring at him, me, like he, I, was a madman.

I don't beileve I was a madman. I probably was messed up, but not mad. Mad was completely different. My brain had been broken down to the point where If I was scared I would attack, like an animal, but I didn't mean it, honest. I hardly remembered my flashes, all I could remember was how scared I was. I could tell I had been screaming at the hospital as my voice felt hoarse and weak still, and there was purple hand marks around my shoulders from doctors and my father trying to hold me back from escape. Plus my father wasn't very happy with me.

My father stared, and he stared. The most malicious thing about this whole ordeal was that my father, everytime he saw me now, he would look at me in anger and confusion with the few words; "Get over it."

I wish I could get over 'it'. The problem being I don't know what 'it' is. Nobody knows what 'it' is. Whatever it was, I flashed, and don't remember anything but the fear. It was a long time ago when 'it' began, and 'it' ruined me. 'It' ruined my whole, entire, innocent life. But my life had now reached his peak as another somewhat suicide failed and my parents caught me. Now i'm here, numb, my voice raspy and harsh from crying and struggling for two days straight. Now i'm not going to go commit suicide, but if I die, it happens and I don't mind too much.

They think i'm going to stop cutting, but I doubt that will happen. I don't want to disobey my parents, but cutting is really such a great relief and a good way to get out my stress, I can't stop. Without my razors I can still do it, I don't think my parents realize that. I hope they don't feel bad, they really shouldn't. It's not like I hate myself, I'm just confused and a little scared, and it's not their fault.

So I sat, numb, needing a sweater, and with a scratchy throat and stupid bandages. In the quiet room, the almost empty room, with no parents surrounding me. Mom called me twice to make sure I was still at the therapy office, but I was almost completely alone. The grey, ugly carpet beneath my feet wasn't very comforting, but being alone was. A wooden door opened near the end of the office, a tall, skinny lady with her hair in a bun stepped through the door, and called the name that made me cringe. My name.

"Arthur Kirkland!"

I awkwardly stood up, brushing off my bandaged arms, and stepped forward once, before pausing.

I _wasn't_ mad. I _shouldn't_ be here. I'm _not_ crazy. Just scared. I'm _not_ a monster.

I took another step. And another. Before walking towards the woman.

My eyes scanned a family waiting in the family room, I wondered why they were here. They looked happy, a husband or another child must be in there. The blonde, littlest girl pulled on her mother's sleeves.

"Mommy, why does that boy have bandages on his arms?"

I bit my lip. Don't_ look_ at me like that. I am_ not_ a monster.

The mother looked distraught for a few moments, "Don't do that, honey. Don't ever do that."

I turned my head to face forward again. Don't_ talk_ like that. I am _not_ mad. I swallowed down the words burning to get out. The words I wanted to badly scream out at them.

That lady walked me through the halls silently. She tried to talk to me, but I only responded with a nod, and I think that might have mentally chased her off. I'm good at doing that.

We stopped at a door, the lady stopping. I eyed her curiously, my eyes asking permission to enter instead of my vocal chords. I talked, I wasn't one of those people who doesn't talk, but I just find it easier to use less words. I can get where the people who don't talk come from though.

"This is your room," she said quietly, urging her head towards the door. I nodded, I could feel the awkwardness coming off of her.

I easily slipped through the wooden door, it made a quiet creaking sound which made me jump a little. Inside was a much more comforting room. It used dark tones for a cozy atmosphere, a window at the edge of the room, a deep purple loveseat chair sitting next to a nightstool. It almost made me want to snuggle down amongst some blankets and fall asleep. The room was warm too, a comfortable warm, a cozy warm.

Another male sat at a desk. He had straight brunette hair that reached his shoulders, green eyes, but they weren't that forest green like mine, more of a teal. He looked strong, maybe not buff strong, but he definitely wasn't skinny or wimpy. His body was well rounded, kind of like a log. But he still looked extremely gentle, his soft face, the way he looked at me. A golden nameplate rested on his desk that read 'Toris Laurinaitis'. He smiled at me, but it wasn't so much as a happy smile than a greeting smile.

"Good evening, Arthur, right?" He definitely had an accent, not a thick accent or anything, but I had an accent too, so it wasn't troublesome.

"Yeah," I said quickly, nodding as I stood there. I didn't know if I could sit or not. I swallowed, was this going to be weird? My fingertips started to stroke and pull at the bandages, anxiety thing I guess.

"You can sit," He said with a small laugh, nodding his head towards a chair. I bit my lip and nodded, taking a step towards the chair before the man asked me another question. "Need something to play with other than your bandages?"

I quickly nodded, it kind of hurt to fiddle with my bandages, so I should take up the offer. It's not like I constantly wanted to cause awful pain to myself and think about death all the time. I hardly thought about dying, if it happens it happens. It's not like I have a horrible urge to cause pain to myself, pain sucks. Cutting is just so much of a relief, it's hard to explain. Toris bent down behind his desk and came back up, holding one of those stress-balls or whatever. I had a few of those at home. He handed it over to me with a quiet "Here ya go."

I paced back and sat down in the purple chair, curling my legs against my body. I rubbed a piece of the ball between my thumb and forefinger, now quietly looking around the room. My front teeth still nibbled my bottom lip, pulling my lips back softly.

"So, Arthur," My new therapists voice snapped me out of my previous activity of looking around the room, "My name is Toris." I nodded. "I already know a little about you when your parents signed you up, your hospital visits, hobbies," Toris looked at a small stack of papers and shot me another smile, "Normal stuff."

I nodded again, not knowing exactly how to react. "Okay."

"Now, maybe if you would want to give me a little summary of things?" Toris said, cocking his head, "If you don't thats fine, we just met, so if you're uncomfortable that's alright." I'm not sure how I feel about this guy. He seems nice, maybe helpful? Well i've only known him for about two minutes, so I really can't say.

"Um, yeah," I murmured, nodding. I didn't mind telling him, he was my therapist, so I could trust him in the least. "Well, in uh, seventh grade I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. Long term depression, you know. After that in eighth grade my parents started to beileve I had post Traumatic Stress, but I was never tested for it. We think something happened to me when I was young, but I can't really remember," I kept my voice quiet and plain, not wanting to warm up immediately to this guy, "And I flash a lot. Like, if I get scared apparently I just freak out, and I never remember it afterwards." I swallowed, what else was there? Nothing completely heartbreaking has ever happened to me. Just dirty looks have slowly turned me into this. "I was kind of bullied, not really, but I got looks sometimes."

Toris nodded. I thought he was going to say something like 'sounds normal' or 'suck it up' like my father, something like that, but he nodded with that same kind expression. He finally spoke up, "It's hard, having depression when you're a teen. Especially since you were diagnosed in middle school, thats when social pressure really begins."

I nodded slowly. "We could also get you some testing for PTSD, but i'm guessing you don't want to have it done?"

"Yeah," I nodded again, "I guess once I was diagnosed with depression I just kind of... Embraced it. I just hope I don't have PTSD, I mean, so that nothing truly happened to me." I did hope nothing happened to me, but yet, I wanted it to be true. Something to blame my depression on so people don't think i'm an attention whore, which the last thing I want is attention. Other people are not my favorite thing in the whole world.

"Yeah, I get that," Toris said with a nod and a soft smile. I put on the smallest smile possible in return. "Well, I would like to get to know you a little bit more before we really start therapy, hm?" I hummed in response, looking down at the stress ball. I didn't really want some man I hardly knew helping me, either. "Your mom told me you like to draw."

I perked up slightly at that. "Yeah, I do." I wasn't serious into art, I wasn't serious into anything, but art was something I could do easily. I didn't feel as if I didn't want too or it was hard for me. It was nice, and really just relaxing.

"Well, I was thinking about something called art therapy for you," Toris said, tapping his fingers on his desk. "You know about that, correct?" It sounded generic, but I really didn't know what it was entirely. I shook my head no. "It's where you draw whatever is on your mind, it's been pretty helpful with people with depression and PTSD."

"Whatever i'm feeling?" I asked quietly, "And no one sees it?" I did draw, maybe I had drawn some vent once or twice, but most of it was random lines on paper and people.

"Unless you want them too." I nodded in reply, biting on my lip again. That may be okay. I guess I had never tried doing that, maybe it could help. At this point there was really no more negative feelings left in my body, anyways. It couldn't hurt.

Toris explained to me how he hoped I could learn to trust him, which I did too. A friend would be nice, someone to talk to, even if he was an adult and i'm only seventeen. Someone to listen to me would be nice. Toris told me how the next three or so weeks would be more trust stuff so I was comfortable, and then we could get into the real therapy. Which didn't sound awful. I had nothing better to do, so it wasn't like it was painful to go. A lot of people say they were afraid to go to therapy, but I was messed up and I knew it, and I needed therapy. But I wasn't mad. Scared, sad, and messed up. Needing help. Arthur Kirkland, I, recognized that he, I, needed help.

I left with a new sketchbook and colored pencils in my hands. Into the scalding summer heat, a teenager reduced to a child as I shuffled to my moms car awkwardly, cradling my sketchbook in an arm and that arm in another arm. My scratched up, beaten arms, hiding under clean, friendly bandages shook despite the heat, my pale skin burned against the sunlight, my weak frame stumbling through the parking lot, I looked like a mess. And I was a mess, so it really didn't matter. I told my mom about the ordeal as she drove me home. She was gentle with me, especially gentle, this is the first time in two days I was talking like a normal person. My mom had always been the nicer one, but she was afraid of my father, she never stood up for me. But she was nice, and dad was scary so I couldn't blame her. I hated having to drive with mom, I used to have my own damn car that I got for my sixteenth birthday, but that got taken away as soon as my parents found out what I had been doing to myself.

But the sad part is i'm not going to stop. I want to, but I don't. I'm not doing this to hurt my parents, to hurt anyone, to get attention to myself, to even hurt myself. I'm not doing this to hurt myself. Cutting is such a relief, sleeping for hours is such a relief, avoiding social activity is such a relief, avoiding anything is such a relief.

Arthur Kirkland, I, was not happy no matter what, despite him, me, not being a wreck all of the time, he, I, was still going to cut because his, my, life wasn't very great, and cutting felt good to him, me.

**X**

This is the last place I ever wanted to go.

Highschool. As a senior. Stupid highschool, with it's weed smokers and crazy kids, crazy irritating kids. Loud teachers who didn't understand me, even stupider building design.

The worse part about it was dad had signed me up for a new school. He said it would help. It's not going to help, but I couldn't put up much of a fight. I let out an irritated grunt before retreating to my room, that's all I had the capacity for.

"Meet new people," He told me, "Get social, stop thinking about yourself, get a tan on that skin. New start. Maybe even friends." No friends, no social. No, hiss, gross. Well, I don't have too much to lose, as I already hated school in general. But this is going to be strange, because i've been hating the same people since middle school. It's going to be odd getting used to new people just to hate them. I wanted a friend, sure, but i'm not going to force myself to like anyone that I don't. I can live without a friend.

It's not even the end of summer. I have two weeks until I go back to school, this was some sort of an... Opening. A party at the schoolhouse to welcome newcomers and celebrate with people who had stuck around to senior year. It's some talent kind of thing too, get to meet and see what other talents people have. It's all seniors like me preforming too.

It's late, and I want to go home, and my mom dropped me off, and I look like an idiot. I have a sweater in the summer to cover my bandages and it makes me look like a crazy person. I look somewhat nice for once though, i'm trying to make myself as threatening looking as possible so no one will think that I'm someone who can be pushed around. Which at this point, yes, I can be pushed around to a certain extent. Doesn't mean I don't like being bossed around and bullied, and i'm going to try and prevent it. I wore Black sweatshirt and grey skinny jeans, eyeliner, combat boots with heels, normal threatening punk stuff. I'll try to look like someone who shouldn't be messed with, and I won't be straying to far from my comfort zone.

I shuffled inside, the school being a decent temperature was nice. My heels clicked against the floor causing somewhat of an annoyance for me. There was signs to the party, plus I think I would have been able to find the party just with the sound of music. I don't like parties, I don't want to be here.

I opened the swing cafeteria doors, wearing an almost invisible frown as I saw the 'party'. It was more of a crazy gathering, not a party. A step down from a party. Normal lighting, everybody was sitting and drinking what seemed to be punch, some girl on stage singing. Okay, not too bad, I'm not sure what else I expected from this. It is a party at the highschool with teachers around. I sighed, shuffling in, clutching my messenger bag, which held that sketchbook. My only fear now is that somebody notices the bandages and teases me.

I made my way through the cafeteria, easily sliding through the crowd with little difficulty. I wasn't into sports, but I still had good footing, I wasn't clumsy. I went to a small table on the other side of the cafeteria that was completely empty, slumped down in a chair, and sighed. It smelt like dust and sweaty highschoolers, and the noise filling the room was murmurs and the sound of that girl singing. I slid out my sketchbook and began to draw lines with a pen. Just random lines. I drew, and drew, until my lines formed a bed I'd much rather be sleeping in. Everything became muffled as my drawing took it's shape, and I became every line, every blank spot of paper, every dot, every pen stroke. I could almost feel the comfort of sleep.

Until I recognized something. A beat, and chord, and a tune. I looked up, my eyes scanning the crowd until they fell upon the stage. A group of four, three males one female. A small set of drums in the back, the other three each having a different kind of guitar. I'm not much of a music person, I listen to it of course, but it's not my life or anything. But, I recognized the song. Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Even if it was a alternative rock song it was still rather popular.

The boy in the middle, the tallest, strongest looking out of them all, caught my eye. He looked an awful lot like a jock, his build, his face, the blonde hair and blue eyes. But the way he dressed wasn't. It wasn't punk-look or anything, similar though, with a raggedy tank top that had the American flag on it, a leather fall jacket wrapped around his waist, khakis tucked into combat boots. Two wristbands littered each of his wrists, probably having some slogan on them I couldn't read from here. And one thing was for sure, he was awfully handsome. That tall, strong build, those broad shoulders, just the way his lips cracked into a smile. He didn't seem like someone i'd be interested in, personality wise, but he was awfully good looking. He didn't match the other's as much, but their style fell into somewhat of the same category.

I watched them with interest. And once that blond boy opened his mouth, it sounded like I was being sung to by a famous Singer. Okay, maybe not, but he was a very good singer, especially for a high schooler. The girl started singing eventually too, and the two of them were very, very good.

This group could be someone I had interest in. Maybe. I don't know. They seemed okay.

Arthur Kirkland, I, had an interest in this group of kids. Maybe they could be his, my, friends?

...Ehh, probably not...

_**X**_

I waited until everybody left before I did. I didn't want to be caught up in a crowd, so I started to pack up as very few people were left in the cafeteria. I'm so glad this was over, it was pretty boring, I just sat there and listened to people sing and play instruments. I'm glad there was some bands, though, those were nice, even though I didn't know half the songs. Music may not rule my life but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.

I threw my sketchbook in my bag, buckling it up before throwing the bag over my shoulder. I walked out, stumbling once because I placed my footing wrong on my heels, but kept going. Glad no one was around to see that. I shoved my hands into my pockets and kept going.

I exited the cafeteria, hearing a quiet commotion. The singers and the bands were all collecting their stuff still. My eyes quickly scanned the group of seniors before continuing my way. I tried to look for that one band, but I decided looking for them would seem odd.

"Hey buddy!" A hard, forceful hand fell onto my shoulder.

I wheeled forward, spinning on my heels to see who it was, my lips lifting in somewhat of a scowl. Who the hell would sneak up on me like that?

It was that girl. That one girl who had performed with my handsome-blonde-guy. She had a short haircut, like that Jennifer Lawrence haircut, but she was definitely a girl. No mistaking that, she looked like a girl. Pretty pink lips with some eyeliner starting to drip from sweat. "You um, you did good tonight!" I think I discouraged her with my reaction, which I didn't mean of course. She just startled me, so...

"Uh," I murmured, cocking my head slightly. Good job tonight? Did she think I played or something? "I uh, I didn't, I didn't play."

This time the girl looked confused, "Really? You sure look like ya did," She murmured, biting her lip, "Isn't there an instrument or something in that bag?"

"No, it's my uh, sketchbook." Jeez, I was awkward. The girl nodded slowly, like she was slowly starting to understand my words.

"Okay, I get it," She said with a soft smile, "So, you're new, right?"

"Uh, yeah," I rubbed the back of my head. Was she trying to be my friend? Well, she was clearly trying to socialize. I didn't mind of course, she was being nice, maybe she was a little too loud but that was really no problem. Plus i'm going to have to get used to this once I go back to school.

"Well, I'm Liz," The girl said proudly, puckering her lips slightly, "Or Elizabeth, but everybody calls me Liz. Don't call me Elizabeth."

I nodded, the forcefulness in the last comment was almost funny. She stared at me as if she was expecting me to say something, and eventually she squinted at me. I panicked, "What?"

"What's your name?"

"Oh," I muttered stupidly, rubbing my cheek, "I'm uh, Arthur."

"Got a nickname? I like nicknames, you need a nickname." Okay, maybe this girl was a little straight forward. And a little, teeny, tiny bit bossy. I shook my head. "How about Art? No, that doesn't sound right... Uhm, Artie? No, that's to kiddish," Liz bit her lip and I stared at her nervously. What was she doing. I don't want a nickname.

" I don't-" I said, I sounded funny, I haven't had social interaction in a while. Just need to get used to it again. Then, once again, another voice made me jump.

"Hey Liz!" Everybodies so loud, sheesh. Maybe they popped their ears while playing or something. I looked in the direction of the voice, that handsome blonde guy bounding out of the crowd. "Dude where have you- oh, hey," He looked at me, a smile slowly growing on his face. "Liz, who's he?"

"He's new," Liz said, almost as if she was bragging.

"Did he play?"

"Nope."

I was pretty confused, just staring at nothing as it would look awkward to stare up at the blonde kid and Liz was inches from me. I was confused on if I was making friends or not. Like, these people just come out of the blue and start giving me nicknames.

"Hey, wait a sec, I think I recognize you,"The blond kid muttered, turning to look at me again. Man, he had nice cheekbones. My eyes widened slightly with that comment.

"Really? How so?"

"I think we live on the same street," He said with a murmur, rubbing his cheek, much like I do when I'm nervous. But I don't think it was a nervous thing for him. "Parker ave, right?"

Oh, so we do live on the same street. Thats cool, I guess. I've never seen him before which is surprising, this guy looks hard to miss. "Yeah, that's my street," I said, shuffling my feet. I didn't mention anything else, really, I didn't want to force myself upon the either of them.

"Well that's nifty," Liz said with a smile. The blond guy elbowed her playfully, which made her stumble, but she came right back with an even harder one that made the blond stumble as well.

"Well I'm Alfred," He said, holding out his hand. I swallowed, slowly reaching out to shake it. "Alfred F. Jones!"

"Ooh, so royal," Liz said dramatically. Alfred's hand was so big, and warm, and slightly calloused. His strong grip on my hand felt funny because I just met him, but yet it was strangely kind and comforting. I liked the feel of my delicate little baby hands against his much stronger ones.

"Well, um, I'm Arthur." I said, my thin, injured arm shaking along with my hand , "Arthur Kirkland."

That was the first time I had said my full name in a long, long time while introducing myself. I didn't know why I disliked my last name so much, it just, didn't sound right on my tongue I guess. Made me anxious. I usually said my last name to myself, but, I just didn't like it. It was more of just 'it sounds stupid', something else was behind it. Something big. But I have no idea what.

But despite my hate for my last name, and even though I felt anxious after saying it to them, I left with two phone numbers written on my hand in pen.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:**

Nothing too bad in this chapter. Liz get's drunk, that's really it. No warning here, nothing too bad. uwu enjoy

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I never did see my pretty blonde singer boy again.

Not once did I see him walking to school, not once did I see him outside, not once did I see him in the window. Well, I didn't know what house he lived in, but someone that strikingly gorgeous should be easily spotted taking a walk or getting the mail. I took a lot of walks, it was part of 'therapy' I guess. Fresh air is supposed to make you feel better or something, but does that make the air in your house contaminated? What exactly is fresh air? Is the air in my home killing me or something? No, I don't think so. I'd rather stay inside under my heated blankets.

I never typed in the numbers into my phone that were supposedly the phone numbers of my new 'friends.' I was almost one-million percent sure that pretty-blonde-boy had lied to me about where his house was and it ticked me off. They were probably screwing with me, they had to be popular, they had that attitude. Not that all popular people are bad. Sometimes a few of them think it's okay to screw around with the unpopular kids. It drove me crazy that they would want to do that. Make me scramble and check around the street, make me feel desperate. Fuckers.

I'm now a little more scared for this new school. If people as kind looking as that would want to lie to me, what would the nasty-looking people do? Ugh.

I've been drawing a lot more now, lately. Not really anything special, no one in particular, mostly colors or trees. One time I drew the tenth doctor from Doctor Who but that doesn't really matter. Red is the color i've been using a lot lately.

But so far, besides for that Alfred Jones kid and the girl whats-her-face, my life has been content. My dad still gives me those 'ugh I hate you' looks, but I've been living with that for my whole life, so it doesn't really bother me. My nights are full of leftover pizza and America's Got Talent reruns. Peaceful, but yet boring nights.

My parents have officially confiscated my razors. I'm a little upset, as i'm probably going to have to buy two more, but it'll be easy enough. Plus they didn't find them before, I had to tell them where they were, so I know i'm good at hiding things.

That night still haunts me a little. I was in the bathroom, it was after a flash which was caused by something stupid on TV. Some horror movie I think, I usually like horror movies but this one must have had something my brain saw as completely and horrifically awful. I don't remember what it was though, flashing is one awful thing. Well, anyhow, I was in the bathroom, cutting, mom found me, she was rather disturbed. Disturbed and shocked just enough so that she screamed for me, and I was in some trance of losing too much blood. Everything's kind of hazy, not a flash, when I flash I remember nothing at all, so it wasn't a flash, it happened after a flash.

I would really love to know what causes my triggers.

I would also really love to have someone to comfort me through flashes even if i'm trying to bite and scratch them. Even if I hate to admit it, I really, really do. But I don't have the motivation to try and get one, because no one can love someone who dances between insanity and sanity. A lover, a best friend, even a family member which be great. My mom nor my dad doesn't understand, and i'm not just saying that. They don't, they really truly don't. My dad thinks i'm mental, which I'm not I just flip out when i'm scared, and my mom thinks the same but she's nicer about it.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a friend group. Some people to fall back on. Some people who would bring me to crazy parties and concerts, but then I realize I don't like parties and stop thinking about it.

So, i've been taking walks. A lot of walks. I can look at things to keep my mind out of the gutter, and nighttime is nice. It's quiet, a little chilly, but peaceful.

But tonight it definitely wasn't.

At first it was, but then I heard the hum of a motorcycle, then music, and then I heard laughing. It sounded like two people laughing, but it was loud. And I jumped, froze, and my eyes frantically searched for the source. My knees slowly unlocked and I began walking backwards.

I watched a large, red motorcycle glide down the road, slowly but smoothly. I watched it carefully, before realising it wasn't adult's on it. Too small to be adults, but yet large enough to be in my age range. The one driving I didn't recognize as they had a helmet on, but the female on the back I did. It was Liz, from the night before. I half smiled. They hadn't noticed me, as you know, I was still kind of far away.

The motorcycle pulled up next to the house on the farthest side of the street. I walked towards it, now feeling a little more confident as I knew who it was. A little relief filled me as they both got off the bike and the one pulled the helmet off, that honey-blonde mop of hair flopping out and revealing that awfully handsome face. There he is. He lives here, he didn't lie to me. That's good.

"Dude, why didn't you have anything?" I heard Liz yell as I jogged forward. I'm not sure if I even wanted to talk to them, I was just happy to see them, and that they didn't lie.

"Because i'm your ride home," Alfred said with a scoff, but yet it was a happy one. "No way i'm crashing my cycle."

"Ehh, not even one? Pussy," Liz laughed, but as I got closer, I froze. Not really a fear freeze, just a slow realization. Liz looked drunk, her hair was messed up, eyes droopy, and she definitely sounded as if she was. I knew this well, from my father's drunk expressions.

"Okay," Alfred shook his head and chuckled, as if Liz was a child telling him a childish joke.

"Mroooww," Liz began imitating a cat, poking Alfred's back as he tried making his way inside. "mroow, meow, mroww..!"

"Shut the fuck up," Alfred laughed, pushing her away gently by her shoulders. Liz stumbled back, but walked right up to him once again.

"Okay, so you get mauled by boys but you won't have a drink?" Liz said, slurred.

"Mhm," Alfred said, "Only one boy. All the rest, poosh, gone. I'm no slutty cheater, Liz."

"okay, big guy, I-I saw you with that one kid-!"

"Nope, nuh uh, I'd never do that to Gilly."

"Jesus Christ Al, stop calling him that, i-it's weird..."

"Well you're the nickname whore, so why not?"

I swallowed a little, as I never expected either of them to talk with such vulgarity. Not that it wasn't anything I couldn't handle, I was just surprised. I began to walk again, slowly, holding up a hand pathetically.

"Hey guys," I whispered, "It's me, Arthur," it was intentional that I spoke so quietly. I sighed, they probably wouldn't even recognize me.

But they did. They actually did.

I felt myself smile as I watched Alfred turn around. "Ah, I forgot my keys!" He ran for the motorcycle, leaving Liz watching him with a hazy look in her eyes. Once Alfred took out the keys, he looked up at me, and smiled too. I could clearly see his sky blue eyes squint along with his smile.

I stopped, smiled awkwardly, a watched him for any sudden movements. My eyes were so locked on his still figure, once he moved, I jumped.

"Hey, Arthur, right?" He called. I nodded, then realised he probably couldn't see me nod.

"Yeah, Arthur," I called back, a little quieter than Alfred had.

"Oh hey Artie," Liz screamed in her slurred voice, 'Artie' sounding even more awkward in her drunk voice.

"Just Arthur," I yelled back quietly, wanting them to hear me, but not at the same time. I need to be polite, respectful, and go with the flow. These are high class drinkers i'm talking too.

Liz stuck her tongue out, apparently she heard me. I smiled nervously, shrugging as Alfred started to jog over to me. "Ignore her, she's.. Well, heh."

I nodded, soon face-to-face with the pretty blonde boy. Jesus, he was gorgeous. I couldn't help it, he was. His lips were a little odd though, pink and skinny. Most boys like him have bigger lips, but he's still handsome nonetheless. "Okay," I said quietly, nodding.

"So, you've got a bad impression on me already, eh?" Alfred said with a chuckle, "Hickeys," Alfred pointed to his neck, and my eyes widened at the purple marks, "My best friend is over there, drunk," Alfred then pointed to Liz, who lazily waved at us. I swallowed.

I weakly shook my head no, still a little shocked at the hickeys decorating Alfred's neck. They bugged me a little, even. Sure it's always a disappointment to see another nice-looking boy get a mate, but it just made me uncomfortable. "Eh, that's a lie, you like to agree. I can tell."

"No," I murmured, squinting my eyes a little. Overall I had only known this boy for ten minutes. "No, I don't like to agree. I'm telling the truth."

Alfred smirked in amusement. I snorted in fake annoyance.

Alfred then shrugged, one eyebrow raising as he reached out to ruffle my hair. I jumped, but allowed it to happen. "Alrighty then, sweetheart." Alfred said with a chuckle. Once his hand flopped back to his side I took the time to flatten my now messed-up hair.

"Thanks," I murmured, my voice lowering to sound agitated. I really wasn't, well, I was a little, but I needed to act somewhat professional in front of Alfred.

Liz soon clumsily stumbled over, bumping into Alfred before walking forward to me. Her breath smells like alcohol, it bugs me. I'm used to my dad being drunk, but...

Alfred's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "Hey Artie," Liz murmured with a smile, her eyes slowly trailed to the corner of her eyes before looking back at me. She plopped a hand on my shoulder, and I immediately stood on my toes so I would be prepared to run. "Dude, I haven't seen you since the c-concert... W-where have y-ya been?" She let out a hiccup before a lazy smile ran across her face, her mouth slightly agape.

"Just ignore her," Alfred said again, grabbing Liz's collar and pulling her back. Liz stumbled, and it was clear to me how strong Alfred was. Even if Liz was drunk, he pulled her off of me with no effort. Alfred rubbed his cheek, smiling awkwardly like a shy little girl.

I decided I should maybe try to have a conversation, "Well, um, where have you been? I mean, I just haven't seen you on the street, at all..." Oh man that sounded awkward. "Sorry, i'm bad at talking. With uh, people."

Alfred's awkward look quickly disappeared. "No, no, you've been pretty good so far, compared to Ms. Doesn't know how to talk to people without seeming like an asshole." Alfred patted Liz's shoulder, who was now resting her head on his shoulder, moaning his name. "Yeah, sorry about that, we've been hitting up concerts all summer. I just put a peice together, so we've been trying to play it lately before school starts again."

"Alfie, I want some hot chocolate..."

"Shut up, Liz," Alfred said with a laugh. Liz hit his chest.

"Oh," I murmured, "Well, uh, how long have you two been together?"

Alfred's eyes widened a little bit, before his lips pulled back into a huge grin, and he began to laugh. Alfred's laugh was loud, yet kind of airy, it fit him a lot. The kind of laugh I thought he would have. I felt a little discouraged as his laughs grew louder,and Liz got off of Alfred and looked around, confused. She shook his shoulders, "Al, what's wrong?" Alfred shook his head, i'm guessing unable to speak from whatever the hell it was I said. Maybe they weren't dating...

"O-oh jeez," Alfred stammered, wiping his eyes free of laughter tears. "Oh, god," His voice was all airy from laughing. Alfred took a few breaths, while I stared at him with an amused yet nervous glance.

"I'm guessing you're not dating."

"Oh god no."

I shrugged, then rubbed my shoulder, "Sorry. It's just, she's all over you.."

"Well yeah, she's drunk," Alfred said in an obvious tone. Liz perked up a little, knowing that Alfred was talking about her, and smiled a little. "Anyways, i'm gay. So, girls, yuck."

My eyes widened probably twice their size. "You're gay?" I murmured, shocked. Now, i'm not the one to stereotype, but wow. I didn't expect Alfred to be gay, like, at all. Someone like me, sure, someone like Alfred? No.

"Why, you got a problem?" Alfred's voice suddenly changed from that sweet, smooth tone to something much more gravely and deep. I immediately jumped from surprise to fear.

"No, no, no, no!" I stammered, holding up my hands in front of my face as if Alfred was going to hurt me, which I actually believed he was. "I-infact, i'm gay too, I mean, I just didn't expect someone as a-attractive as you to be ga- oh! No, ah, jeez, I should, go..." I started to back up, I could feel the heat rush to my face, and my body tense up and my heart race. My stomach churned.

Oh no, no Arthur, don't you dare flash, don't you dare.

I wasn't looking at him, I was looking at the ground. I have to run, run far away back home, I haven't had a flash in three weeks and I definitely don't want to have one in front of people who could spread rumours about me. Plus I don't want to hurt anyone. And anyways, I think Alfred could easily overpower me and hurt me badly in an act of self defence.

I stumbled a little as I was backing up, and that caused me to run. I ran back home, fast. I wasn't afraid of Alfred anymore I was afraid of myself. I heard Alfred call for me, his voice once again sweet and kind, but it wasn't him I was afraid of. It was too late, if I went back now I'd be all finicky and panicked and uncomfortable.

But i'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not mad. I'm just scared.

I almost fell into my house, my fingers fumbling over the lock on the door once I was inside. I locked the door quickly, this door being the one thing between me and panic. I sprinted upstairs like a clumsy dog, loud and floppy, and dived into my room.

I closed my door quickly, locking that too. Now two doors stood in the way of me and my 'freak out' zone. I paced around my room, trying to get out the remainder of my energy and calm down. I rubbed my arms, soon my wrists, the clean bandages running over my fingers. "Arthur, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay," My voice was airy from running, but soon, it returned to normal. And I returned to normal. My legs grew strong and my heart slowed, my eyes closed and opened normally and relaxed. I was okay, I was okay, I was okay.

Upon calming, I sat down. Waiting, making sure I was okay, letting relief wash in. Thank god. Had Alfred really triggered me that easy? I'm usually not triggered like that, usually I can take a lot of yelling. Maybe he said some word I didn't like or something and it just triggered me. I really don't know anymore.

I stripped down into my boxers before turning off the light and curling up in bed. Amongst the heated blankets and comforting smells, the pillow stained with drool and the broken alarm clock that stayed on the time '12:00'. So imperfect but so comforting.

Why is bed so calming? It is home. No where else is home to me but this bed.

Plus, this is where I sleep. Sleep is great.

**X**

The next morning my parents went to work, like normal. I was fine with it, I mean, my parents go out all the time without me. Usually it's because I don't want to go, or it's work related. But as my weekdays of TV, popcorn and drawing were uninterrupted, I did not expect the knock at the door.

It made me a little unsettled, I hate being home alone when someone knocks. I walked up to the window, peered out, for I didn't want to open the door to anyone unless they were little girls selling cookies. Since I was expecting girlscout cookies I was shocked when I saw a much taller figure standing at my door. He waited patiently, rocking from the balls of his feet to his toes, and I studied him from my window. Weird. Alfred's here, at my house, I haven't had company in... Forever.

I wasn't sure if I should open the door or not, as the bandages were clearly visible since I was wearing a tanktop. Plus Alfred had almost made me flash last night. What if he wants to kill me? Ah, probably not, his body movements seem happy and bouncy.

I threw on a sweater that was lying around, and slowly opened the door. My eyes squinted as I opened the door, my body tensing as I awaited some impact. But it never came.

Alfred stared at me happily, a toothy grin clearly visible on his face. The sun reflected off that dirty blonde hair, making some strands seem like they were a lighter color. Behind the glasses his eyes were bright and a little squinted from the sun and his huge smile. Alfred wore some old, faded tanktop with a crude drawing of a palm tree on it. Now, his muscles were clearly visible, and they almost scared me a little. Why did Alfred have to be so large...?

"Hey," He said happily.

"Um, hey." I murmured, my voice growing a little quiet. I could hear Alfred swallow.

"Sorry about last night, and uh, scaring you." The funny thing was that Alfred didn't talk to me like I was crazy, and it felt good despite not feeling very good about almost flashing in front of Alfred.

"It's um, fine," I said quietly, shrugging, "Sorry about getting so freaked out. I just.. It's weird." I wasn't going to tell him what was going on with me, it was too soon for that. I think it will always be soon.

Alfred and I stared at each other for a few seconds. "Oh," Alfred murmured, his expression lighting up even further. He took something out of his back pocket, handing it quickly to me. "Here, I felt really bad. Plus going out and buying these meant I didn't have to take care of Liz." Alfred laughed, and I stared at the object he gave me.

Flowers.

Sky blue flowers, two blue, small little roses. They were real, but probably dyed. Or mutated. Don't know.

"Oh, um, thank you," I felt my face get warm. Not in fear or embarrassment, it was a pleasant, fuzzy feeling. "They're very nice."

Alfred nodded, and I swear he smiled wider if that was even possible. "I'm glad you like them. Got em just for you." I rubbed the back of my head, I could tell I looked like an idiot, smiling with red cheeks, but I couldn't help it. I took the flowers carefully, not wanting to prick myself on their thorns.

"Well," Alfred began, cocking his head, his bangs falling to one side, "Can I come in?"

Come in? No, he can't come in. If Alfred comes in and I flash, god knows what would happen. Alfred can't come in. He can't, he can't. "Oh yeah, um, sure."

Shit, I am too agreeable.

Alfred walked in after me, I diving to the side to close the door after he came in. "Nice place," Alfred murmured as I joined him at his side.

"Not really, I mean," I shrugged a little, "It's okay." My fingers tightened around the flower stems. They were very pretty despite their color fake, the white at the bottom slowly turning into a sky blue, and at the very tips of the flower, persian blue. It was pretty. I heard Alfred chuckle a little.

"I can't stay long, I have to take care of Liz. Little fucker is having a hangover." Alfred chuckled, I could hear the floor creak underneath his weight. Our house was pretty noisy.

"That's alright," I said quietly. Alfred plopped himself down on my couch, the couch moaned and creaked for a few moments. I was a little dumbfounded that Alfred could be so comfortable like, immediately. "How heavy are you?" I said with a slight murmur, looking over my shoulder to him.

Alfred perked up a little, "Oh, um, two hundred pounds, I think. Something like that." Wow.

As the flowers in my hands being the first flowers I have received out of random, I wanted to keep them in good condition for a while. "I'm just going to put these in a vase, okay?"

Alfred nodded, and I padded into the kitchen. It must look awful weird with me being in boxers and then a sweatshirt.. Oh well. I was slowly growing hot as well, but it wasn't worth taking it off and Alfred seeing my bandages.

I took a glass cup as there was no empty vases in the house, but then felt puzzled as if I should put dirt in it. Ah, it really didn't matter, it would die just as fast. I filled the cup with water, filling it up to the first leaf branching off of the stem. I immediately took a picture on my phone, hey, it was the first flowers I have ever been given. Ever.

Once filling the glass, I simply set it down, rejoining Alfred. I didn't sit down next to him, but I sat on the coffee table across from Alfred. He sighed, his eyes closing briefly. "Damn," He said with a chuckle, "I'm tired as hell."

I smiled and nodded, "That sucks."

"Liz kept me up all night with her throwing up," Alfred said, rubbing his eyes. Well, she must've had a ton of alcohol...

"Well, I'm just, really sorry about last-"

"You don't need to apologise."

"Oh, well, alright." I heard Alfred swallow, those baby blue eyes blinking back open. The outside of his eyes were light blue, then as they went inward, they became darker. Rather pretty, if you ask me. If it's okay to say a male's eyes are pretty. "Well, um..."

"Sorry if I just made things weird," I muttered. Alfred smiled and shook his head. Alfred also had a nice smile, it was white and too big for his face, and it seemed the smallest things triggered it. It was a nice, happy, childish smile. It brought Alfred out of his handsome, cool-strong-guy appearance into a sweet, cute light. So, both sides of him were absolutely perfect. Who couldn't like this guy? Well I assumed he had to have some downside... His foul mouth, maybe? I just have to get to know him better, maybe then I can see the downside to the irresistible man...

Wait, wait, what? Get to know him better? Am I saying Alfred is going to be my friend? Ehh, I mean, sure, I want a friend, but this is all happening so fast. He can't be my friend, he might hurt me somehow, or worse, I might hurt him. I've already broken and worn down my parents with my outbreaks and cutting and staying in my room all day long, how could I put that burden on someone else? Especially Alfred, he was so sweet and nice, I couldn't be the one who made that smile disappear... It's dangerous being my 'friend'. He was bringing me short happiness now, so I'd rather my relationship with Alfred to stay like this. An acquaintanceship.

I suddenly felt uneasy. Sick. Stressed. I'm fine. Arthur Kirkland is fine.

Alfred began to speak again, "So, as we were saying last night, are you actually gay? And do you think i'm actually handsome? Or were you just trying to please me?" Alfred now wore a smug look, a crooked smile, one eyebrow raised.

"Both are true," I said with an awkward nod, having a strong hate for being asked this so head-on.

Alfred's smug look disappeared and that smile that was too big for his face returned. "Aw," He said, happiness weaved in his voice. "Thanks for that, but i'm dating."

"Oh!" I said, heat rushing to my face. Was that what he thought I meant? No, no! I wasn't interested, well, he was awfully handsome, but no... I didn't want him to think I was flirting! "Thats not what I meant!" I put my hands out, and Alfred started to chuckle.

"Oh god, you're fun," He said, but it sounded kind and sweet, not sarcastic and rude. I took no offense. I sighed a little.

Alfred and I were both surprised by the sudden burst of a song, I more surprised than Alfred as my muscles clenched and my eyes widened. Loud noises have always scared me, nothing to cause me too flash, of course, just to startle. Alfred slid out his phone from his back pocket, which was chirping 'I'm on top of the world' with some techo-y music, and answered it with a "Hello?"

Some babbling on the other side of the phone, Alfred snorted angrily and rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, i'll be there." Alfred sighed, hanging up his phone. I watched him with slight worry and curiosity. "It's just Liz, she's crying about her hangover." Alfred laughed a little, and I bit my lip. "I beileve she's still drunk." I nodded. "I have to get going," Alfred stood.

"Oh, alright," I said, getting off of the coffee table, walking over to Alfred quickly. I stopped about six inches away from him, feeling his heat against mine. It was odd. Alfred had a lot of body heat, no wonder, he was huge.

"Mh, we have a concert the night before school starts," Alfred said, almost in a taunting tone. It was playful, like a seven-year-old flaunting to someone. "Maybe ya would want to come? It's at paladin park, free entry," Alfred smiled. Paladin park was around the school, about a ten minute walk from my house. I nodded. I nod a lot. It's a nervous thing I guess.

"Oh, alright, maybe i'll go," I said. That was most likely a lie. I wanted to go, sure, but if Liz came home that drunk from a 'concert', I'm not sure if I wanted to go. I'm not that kind of person.

Alfred smiled wide, happily, every single one of those white teeth grinning at me. Happy that I said I would go, happy that I said yes. I started to feel a little guilt, maybe I would go. See Liz and Alfred, avoid the drinkers, avoid everything but them. Yeah, I guess I could do that. I would just have to leave early, I didn't want to be tired for the first day of school. Alfred's smile made every corner and crevice of my body warm and happy.

And I smiled back.

And Alfred left, waving to me as he walked. I watched him walk home, and he knew I was watching him, because occasionally he would turn and wave at the window I was looking out. And I'd smile, but not shyly, because I knew he couldn't see me too well. I'd smile like a happy, touched person.

I was happy. For a brief, five moments, I was happy. Alfred's pearly white smile made me happy, his eyes, his stupid sarcastic moments, his angry huffs. He was just so.. Friendly. And I liked that, because no one else had ever been this nice to the anti-social me before. And it was nice, really, really nice. The darkest parts of me feel all warm, and sunny, and happy. That smile changed me, briefly.


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN-**_

Not really anything bad in this chapter either. Arthur goes to school and talks about how he hates it a lot. I mean, we all hate school, so.

PS, Feliciano may or may not be a badass. I really like having badass Feli.

Their will be OC's in this story eventually. ...Eventually... I'm planning on having two events in each chapter (Unless it's really significant and large, then it will be longer), and maybe around twenty or-so chapters? I don't know, really depends on how long I want to write this. It may be eight, or it may be fifty. Who knows. But it's looking towards being longer, as I don't want to push Arthur into dating Alfred quickly. Or even trusting Alfred until a quarter-way through the story.

And with Alfred dating Gilbert (as in Prussia), trust me, I don't ship them. It's cool if you do, but I just don't. Since it's an uncommon ship, it's supposed to make you feel kind of 'ehh' with their relationship. That's the point. And I'm not going to make Gilbert a douche-face to Arthur, or Alfred. Usually people make the person person A is daiting a douche-face. And Gilbert's awesome, so I'm not making him a complete dick. But you know, Gilbert's canon personality is him being kind of a dick-head, but he won't be a total dick-head.

* * *

**Chapter Three**

I never did go to that concert. I felt bad, of course, once I realised that I missed it I was a little upset. I had completely forgotten, I hadn't seen Alfred in those two days and therefor I forgot. They probably wouldn't miss me though, it was stupid of me to think they would. Alfred would have called me to remind me if he had, he has my phone number. So, after a while of thinking, I didn't feel as bad anymore.

I spent that night watching the Narnia movies which happened to be on TV at the time. I ate ice cream, basking in my sadness over school. I don't want to go. So I sulk in my pain. Nothing bad normally happens in school, I just don't like school. To much social pressure, too many boring lectures. I'm tired. Need sleep. A lot of colors are dashed across the page of dark, swampy greens and a teen sitting at a desk. You can't see his face, you are looking at the back of his head. But you can tell his head is resting in his hands, elbows on the desk. His outline is scratchy, in that swampy green colored pencil.

Toris says dark green is the color of stress. I can understand that as I am very frustrated and stressed at the moment. School sucks. It's irritating stressful. I'm not a teachers pet, and i'm the opposite of a social butterfly. I'm not a geek, I'm not smart, I'm not 'punk'. I'm in the nothing category. I don't fit in. And it's stressful, because I have nothing to call home. No friends to sit with, no class to be relieved i'm going too.

I went downstairs to grab one, last scoop of icecream. I snuck down the hall, quietly padding my way down on my toes, trying not to have the house creak as I tip-toed through. In which my secret-spy-act didn't work because my dad was up, and he caught me in the middle of the hall.

He was sober, thank god. Usually dad doesn't drink when mom's home, which is during the night. It's not like mom doesn't know he drinks, but dad says it's a gentleman's duty not to drink in front of his woman. Which my dad isn't a gentleman at all. Anyways, mom can't change the fact that he drinks. "You should be in bed," Were the first words that came out of his mouth.

"I'm hungry," I said coldly, trying to cover up the fact I was going for a fourth bowl. Dad doesn't like me eating all the icecream, which is understandable. Ice cream is the shit.

I shuffled around him, crossing my arms. My dad and I, ever since the 'incident', our relationship became even more horrid than it was before. Dad's a very cold hearted man, or, in my eyes he is. He takes good care of us money-wise, but doesn't show much compassion to me or my mother. It's not like he hits us or abuses us, I don't think dad's that kind of man, he's just kind of... Feelingless. He has an awful sense of humour, it's rude, and he's rather racist and sexist. It was the environment he grew up in. He's a medium sized man, and he has the same nose as me and the same eye-color, but that's our only relation. He doesn't even have blonde hair, my mom is the one with the blonde hair.

He glared at me briefly, "Arthur, I would like to talk to you."

I huffed quietly, pausing and looking at him, "I would rather talk to mom about it," I avoided his eyes, despite my disrespect for him, he was pretty scary. Or, he could be pretty scary.

"Well your mother is in bed," He said. We sounded awkward, and bulky, like to enemies who are forced to be nice to each other. I huffed again, tapping my foot and staring at him, trying to get a response from him, show him I had something to do. Which I really didn't.

"Im listening?" I said.

My dad snorted, "Well, since this is your last year of school," I raised an eyebrow as he trailed off, "Your mother and I were wondering if you'd actually do things this year."

I grimaced a little, my lips pulling back in a scowl, "What do you mean?"

"Friends, Arthur, we mean get some friends. A girlfriend. A best friend. Play some sports." Here's the thing, my dad doesn't know i'm gay. He's kind of a homophobe, actually, my whole family is. Since most of my family was raised in a very homophobic part of Britain.

In response to this, I got defensive. I can accept the fact that I am a lonely loser who doesn't like parties, but no one else can mention that. "I do things...!" I said, furrowing my brow, "In fact, I have friends!"

My dad actually chuckled, and that caused my frown to intensify. "Yeah, right, okay."

"I do! Alfred and Liz, they have a band or something! Alfred lives down the street and he has a bright red motorcycle. You've seen it!" I wasn't really yelling, I was just speaking loudly. There is a huge difference.

My father bit his lip, seemingly pondering that for a few moments, before nodding. "I have." He took a breath, and a cracked smile formed on his face, "Someone like that is really friends with you?"

"Dad!"

My dad chuckled for a few moments about his own, stupid joke. "You're going to need more friends than that. You're ass is going to get kicked this year." I hate how he talks to me like he's my age. It aggravates me. Plus he thinks I can't stand up for myself, which I most certainly can.

"Dad," I growled again.

He kept going, "Get into a sport, people won't mess with you."

"I don't like sports."

"Well start liking sports." That was more harsh, and I felt a tad unnerved, but anger started to boil around the bubble of unease, hiding my unsureness.

"Well start listening to me. I don't do sports." I said, lowering my voice to something aggressive, as if something was building up. Which nothing was, it was false. I was angry, but unease rested in the pit of my stomach, other things hiding that emotion. I don't like opening up to my parents, I hate it, actually. Something odd prevents me from doing it, I'm sure others have the same problem.

"Arthur, just do something. You're stepped on to much."

"I'm not stepped on," I muttered, "You have no clue what goes on half the time."

"Arthur, just listen to me," My dad said, his voice deepening as mine had previously.

No, dad. Listen to me. Listen to your son. Listen to your confused, scared, and pissed son. "I'm going to get through this year like every other year! Just because it's my last doesn't change anything!" I hissed, before angrily stomping back up stairs. My stomach fluttered and twisted with a fire, my fists clenched. Why did he never understand? Why does he never listen to me? And he even does this on the last day of summer...!

...I hate him. And it's not worth going back downstairs again. Even for ice cream.

_**X**_

Ugh, school.

The smell of teenagers who haven't showered in weeks and burnt erasers, the rush of kids running by and that one really slow kid who you somehow always end up walking behind,teachers yelling at students to get into homeroom. You're forced into categories, the jocks, artists, popular girls, slutty popular girls, nice popular girls, white-girls, ghetto-kids, nice kids, punk kids, emo kids, satan worshippers, shy kids, anime lovers, band geeks, tech geeks, hipsters, singers, and thats about it. The only thing being I don't fit in with any of them. I'm in the nothing category. If all the groups got into lines, i'd be awkwardly floating in the middle. No one to sit with at lunch, no one to be paired up with, no one to have fun with in class. I am that kid that if you get paired with, everybody feels bad for you. I am the freak-o of the school. Every school. Any school.

I don't know why, though. I don't have any odd habits, they don't have the faintest clue i'm a cutter, nor that i'm depressed, so why have I automaticly been cast as the schools loser?

I have to act like i'm not totally miserable here. Okay, maybe that's a tad over dramatic, but still, school sucks balls. If I act like normal me and not over-dramatic depressed me, I may find a friend group. I'm not going to stray too far from being myself for I don't want to get stuck with some people I have to pretend to be friends with.

The highschool is a giant, brick building with some peach colored cement surrounding the opening to make it look more friendly. The American flag rests a few meters away from the front doors, and a sidewalk-circle surrounds it. Of course, I wasn't very fond of the size, which meant a lot of walking and getting lost for me. The inside looked warmer than I though, it wasn't that cold, white floor with the cold, white walls. It was nice, brown, tiled floor, half of the walls being wooden and the rest white cement.

"Welcome Freshman!" Was painted on a banner that rested in the front of the school. I snorted at that in annoyance. It should say welcome new students, not just welcome freshman.

I pretend the whole thing was a dream. That in the morning, I would wake up, and it would be ten in the morning and I could have chocolate for breakfast. That kept a positive outlook on things.

None of my teachers were worth mentioning. They all seemed nice, as teachers normally aren't too bad in my opinion. I don't worry about what teachers I'm getting, I worry about what kids will be in the class.

I have all the normal classes, American History, algebra (which i'm dreading), physics, and Wellness. Then I have Study Hall as I didn't want Chorus or Band, and my only two classes I had a say on being Theater Arts and Drawing and Painting.

So I shuffled through the halls like an injured animal, trying to act a little nervous so people felt enough pity to give me directions. I ended up in the Freshman side of the school at one point. All we did was talk about what the class rules were and what we should expect. Half way in and i'm already tired.

In the middle of the day, I limped my way to lunch with the rest of my Physics class. So who you go with at lunch depend on what class you were in. It wasn't like only your class went down, the Junior and Senior Science classes went down. See, this was my main worry, because if I awkwardly stood there wondering where to sit people would know, and they would laugh or think badly of me, and on worst situation some jerks would come over and do something to me and i'd have to one to help me. But I couldn't go to the library cuz I was hungry as hell, and they don't allow food in the library.

I looked for a seat as I lined up for lunch. I just got a salad because the meat here is shit, and then commenced standing awkwardly. I figure i'm just going to the corner of the cafeteria where no one sits and sit there, because I don't even have people i'm familiar with here. I had a small, tiny little hope that I wouldn't be a complete loser this year but nope, that's thought is gone along with my self-esteem.

I headed towards the lonesome table that nobody sat at. That table and I now had a deep connection of loneliness. But as I was heading towards it, two arms grabbed me from behind.

My first reaction was to scream very, very airily. Basically, it was a gasp that came from my lips instead of a scream and an intense sense of fear. I was horrified. But my first thoughts on some demon from hell coming to rape me or something disappeared and turned into maybe some bullies had grabbed me, but once I felt the warm chest pressed lovingly against my back and the person who had grabbed me shout; "Arthur!" I knew exactly who it was.

"Ehh, hey Al..." I murmured. I was happy to see him, overjoyed actually. Someone I actually knew, and Alfred I apparently really liked, because he got me all warm and happy. Something about Alfred's energy made me really happy. But he had scared the shit out of me, so.

"Dude, I'm so happy to see ya!" Alfred said, letting me go. He wore some kind of sleeveless hoodie with a galaxy printing and some band t-shirt. His glasses were also red and a tad wider than the ones he wore when he went over my house.

...Oh, Alfred's a hipster, isn't he? Or at least he dresses like one, like, the vibe i'm getting is complete, utter hipster. He looked good in it nonetheless, just, wow.

"Mh, I'm happy to see you too," I said with a small smile, happy to see someone I knew. Hopefully I can sit with him. I studied him, his white smile peeking behind his lips, his blue eyes being shielded by the glasses that glared an awful lot, and his strong arms that i'm guessing he's purposefully displaying. "Just don't scare me like that."

"Heh, sorry dude," Alfred said. He rubbed the back of his head, some strands of hair moving between his fingers. Alfred had nice hair, it wasn't flowy or anything, certain strands clumped together to form larger ones. We stared at each other shortly, until Alfred powerfully slammed an arm around my shoulders. I gasped again, my body lurching forward a little, and Alfred dragged me through the cafeteria. Maybe he doesn't realise how strong he is, or how fragile I am? Oh well. "You're sitting with us," Alfred chirped.

I furrowed my brow a little, "W-what if I had someone to sit with?"

"I saw you going for the empty table," Alfred said in almost a tease, "Admit it, you had no one to sit with." I frowned, growling a little. But it was true, I was just being defensive.

Alfred walked me to his table, where two males I didn't know sat. No Liz? She must not have science during this time period, which sucks. I like Liz, somewhat. Everybody smiled when we came back, but not at me, of course.

They were all dressed similarly to Alfred, hipster. The blonde one with long hair, who I faintly recognized, probably a member of Alfred's band, was wearing some kind of white jean vest with roses on it. The other, who actually shocked me a little, was albino. Pinkish eyes, white hair. It was a pretty white though, like Ivory. And it shined and was clearly styled. He wore a fedora and had darkened sunglasses.

I looked up to Alfred wearily, and he pushed me forward a little. "Guys this is Arthur, he lives on my street with me." Oh jesus this is weird.

"Yo," The albino guy replied, waving a hand.

"Bonjour!" The other one said happily. French, yuck. The French have always been an enemy to my family. Maybe because we're British.

"And, Arthur, that is Francis, our drummer" Alfred pointed to the French kid, "And that's Gilbert," Alfred then gestured to the albino, "My boyfriend." Alfred said that in a teasing, yet boastful tone, pursing his lips. Well, that's definitely odd. I'm already uncomfortable with their relationship. I swallowed a little.

"Good day," I murmured with a small, respectful nod. Francis began to snicker, and I frowned and glared a little. Of course he's an asshole, he's French. I rolled my eyes to show my annoyance to the childish laughing coming from the Frenchman's lips. Alfred also shot a glare at Francis after I finished mine, which silenced him completely.

Alfred pulled out a chair next to his boyfriend, and they immediately smacked lips for a brief moment. So quick if you blinked you would miss it, but I didn't miss it. It burned a little, made me uncomfortable. I gnawed on my lip nervously as Alfred patted the chair next to him with a huge grin. I liked Alfred a lot, but Francis and Gilbert's glances gave me the strongest 'get away' feeling. They looked at me like I was a normal person, they didn't wear teasing expressions, but yet my stomach tingled in discomfort.

"Sit," Alfred said in his cheery, unfazed tone. His smile kind as ever, but it didn't look welcoming or comforting. I mean, it was nice, but it was like he couldn't collect my discomfort. I sighed a little, plopping my bag on the side closest to Alfred and sat in the chair. My elbows rested against the table, my head in my hands.

A group of two passed us at one point. One, large male and his girlfriend. This guy was even larger than Alfred, green eyes with sharp hair. Big, muscular, wide. He padded, his body moving from side to side as he walked. The girl under his arm skinny and tan. His eyes searched a little, going past Alfred until locking eyes with him. I ducked awkwardly, the strange teen's stare cold, but his stare didn't move from Alfred's eyes.

Alfred smiled his wide, cheery smile. But something was mischievous and teasing about it. Like he heightened his innocence level to annoy this kid. "Hey Connor," Alfred called mockingly. I smacked Alfred's shoulder gently, as I didn't want this kid coming over and giving Alfred a smack down.

"Shut it, Jones," The large teen hissed, before pushing his girlfriend along. I glared at Alfred.

"I got the quarterback position and he didn't," Alfred said with a small smirk, "And he's mad. He's just a big, ol' sour puss." Francis, Gilbert and Alfred all started to giggle. I huffed and rolled my eyes. "No threat to me. Anyhow, he can't run very fast, and I can!"

It was no shock to me Alfred was on the football team. He looked big, but skinny and long enough to be fast. And he was handsome. If not for Alfred's attire, I would probably have mistaken him for a jock. Which he isn't, as i'm more than a million percent sure he is a hipster.

I awkwardly ate my lunch. I didn't like these guys, I liked Alfred, but not them. The whole thing just felt so damn off, maybe because I just met these guys in the worse way possible. Plus romance makes me uncomfortable when it involves people I like, so seeing Alfred kiss Gilbert and hold his hand just made me all sweaty and fidgety. Same way I get when my parent's show affection towards each other.

Then Francis started poking and prodding at me, and I could feel my uncomfort bubble over and boil into a frustration. "You've got nice skin," Francis said with a chuckle, "But you're very quiet. And you've got a lot of freckles."

At the mention of my freckles I immediately hid my cheeks in my hands. I absolutely hated my freckles. They were light, but stuck out clearly in my pale skin. If I didn't look like a vampire and more like a human, they wouldn't be visible unless you were looking. I just looked so girly all the time with my small features and long eyelashes, and then my 'absolutely adoooraable' freckles, goddamnit I hated it.

"Don't talk about my freckles," I murmured, slurred, glaring at Francis. Francis was rather handsome, I must admit, but I would never date him. Perfect, wavy hair with blue eyes. Not Alfred's sky blue eyes, but more of a navy blue. It was a pretty color, nonetheless. He was a bit more pale than Alfred was, and he had some stubble. Handsome, but the opposite from my type. ...Do I even have a type? Ah, whatever.

Francis began chuckling an annoying French laugh and poked my cheek repeatedly, which annoyed me to no end, but I huffed and rolled my eyes and pretended to ignore him. After a while Francis gave up, and Alfred and Gilbert chatted away, and the fed-up and uncomfortable Arthur Kirkland sat in the middle of it all. I was a tad irritated that Alfred wasn't talking to me, like, at all. Those beautiful lips just wouldn't stop chatting away to his boyfriend. Gilbert wasn't even that attractive.

After a while it seemed that Alfred slowly ran out of things to say, and he started to slowly talk like a normal person again. But sadly, not to me. I decided I should maybe migrate, I'd rather be alone then ignored and annoyed.

I pulled gently on Alfred's shoulder, it took him a while, but eventually he noticed me. "Hey Al, Alfred.."

"Hm, yeah?" He sent small glances towards Gilbert despite his attention towards me. It hurt a little, actually. But i'm not friends with Alfred, just like... Partners. We can be friendly towards each other, but we're not friends. Alfred can't care that much about me. And I shouldn't mind but I do. For once I care that someone doesn't like me that much.

"I.. I'm gonna go sit somewhere else," I murmured. Alfred's facial expression immediately dropped, and I felt a little warm like he actually cared about me, but then I thought it over and decided that he's being a little whiny.

"No!" Alfred said in the whiniest, childish voice ever. I huffed a little, as it sounded kind of teasing. "You can't go," Alfred puckered his lips. I sighed, putting my head down on the table.

"Alright..." Alfred smiled, putting a hand on my back, which again made me lurch a little.

"So, I didn't see you at the concert last night?" I started to feel a little warm again, glad that Alfred was talking to me. Maybe he got the idea I didn't enjoy talking to Francis. I looked up at him, his smile soft, his bottom lip puckered slightly to just show the bottoms of his front teeth peeking out.

"No.. I was er..." I swallowed, looking back down, "Busy. I was busy." That wasn't true. It wasn't like I didn't want to go, I actually wanted to... I just, I don't know, I wasn't feeling it. But I was. It's like I feel as though I am trapped in my house (which i'm really not. My parents would love me to get out more.) but I accept that fact. It's an odd feeling.

Alfred glared at me, and I felt panic seize me. Not a 'run away scream and bite people' panic, just a nervousness. "Okay," He said eventually, sighing. I now heard Francis and Gilbert talking, and I couldn't feel Francis's warmth next to me any longer. "Next time, will ya come?"

"Um, sure, Al," I said with a nod, "I'll be there." It was nice that he wanted me at his concerts. Warm and fuzzy, fuzzy and warm.

"Okay," He smiled wide once again, all of his teeth grinning at me. "I'm not sure when we're gonna have another concert again, hopefully one this month," Alfred bit his lip, "Ya know, maybe you wanna be in our little group? Like, not our band, that's just me, Liz, Francis and Carlos, but like, my friend group."

"A clique?" I muttered, looking up at him.

"Yeah," Alfred trailed off, "But nobody says that anymore." I smiled a little. Then I hid my mouth in my arms and smiled a lot. Warm and fuzzy, warm and fuzzy. I could feel my cheeks get all tingly and happy. He's asking me to be friends with him, he's asking to me to be friends with his friends. A friend group, I've never been in a friend group.

After I smiled for a while and got over my happiness, I started to wonder who else was in Alfred's friend group. I really only liked him and Liz, so far. Gilbert made me uncomfortable and Francis was a dick. Alfred mentioned a guy named Carlos, who I'm guessing was the synthesizer guy, since he was part of the band. Was there really anyone else? "Well, um, who is in you, erm, friend group?"

Alfred spoke without thought, "Me, Liz, Gilly, Francy, Carlos, and Feliciano and Lovino." He spoke as if I knew all those people, which I had a brief idea who Carlos was, but no clue who Feliciano and Lovino were. "Um, Carlos is the piano guy, and uh, Feli and Lovi are brothers. They're Italian, we like to call them Mario and Luigi."

I nodded slowly, picking my head up from the table. I heard Francis and Gilbert laughing, and Alfred eyed them quickly before looking back to me. "Yeah, how about you meet me after school? We can go to my house, everybody's going. We won't be there for long, maybe like, two hours."

Meet Alfred, with more than one person? And I actually have to socialize with them? I can't just ignore them? Ehh... I don't know... "Yeah, sure." Damnit, Arthur, stop liking this guy so much.

Alfred smiled, "Ya better meet me this time." He said with a airy chuckle, "How about we meet in front of the flag, eh? I didn't bring my motorcycle, so we're gonna have to walk. But it's not that far. Or we can meet up with Feli and take his Vespa..." Alfred trailed off, his long fingers tapping at the table. I shook my head.

"I can walk."

"Oh, alright." Alfred stopped tapping his fingers. The tips of his fingers looked rough and calloused, i'm guessing from playing the guitar. "So, after school, just meet me, okay?"

"Okay," I said with a nod.

"And don't back out, i'll bug you about it all day tomorrow if you do," Alfred smiled playfully at me, a brow raising in a teasing manner. I rolled my eyes, letting out a single, loftly chuckle. "If you're there first just wait for me, m'kay?"

"Okay," I said quietly.

Eventually the bell rang for us to return to our classes. I was a bit disappointed, I enjoyed talking to Alfred, and school was boring as hell. So I returned to physics, and passed Liz in the hall, and she waved and smiled at me like an idiot. I walked with Alfred halfway to my class, as he had to go a different way to his science class.

Alfred and Gilbert held hands the whole way.

As Alfred parted from Gilbert and me, he waved me goodbye before giving Gilbert another one of those second-long kisses. It hurt, and I could feel a small twinge in the pit of my stomach, where most negative feelings sit. I swallowed and continued to my class without looking back.

It's not that I don't like Gilbert, hell, I hardly know the guy. But, other peoples relationships make me uncomfortable. It's not their fault it does. That's all it is, relationships just make be uncomfortable, that's it.. That's all. That has to be all. I don't love people, I can't love people. I just really like Alfred, that's all. That has to be all.

Yeah, I can't have a relationship. I can't trust people, plus I don't want them to have that burden. But, why am I thinking of that? I only like Alfred as a friend... Only, only as a friend. ...Only as a friend...


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:**

Ughh

uGHH

Seasonal Affective is the worst thing ever (If you don't know what that is, it's basically 'depression in winter' (it comes in other seasons, but most commonly in winter)))

like all I can do is wait for spring and THATS IT. I've been so lazy latley, i've missed the first 2 periods of class this whole week because i've gotten up late. So, this chapter is kinda... Meh. It's not bad, but it doesn't really advance the story.

Here is Feliciano's and Lovino's introduction, as well with another Toris bit. I don't like this chapter, the only thing that advances the story is Feliciano and Lovino's intro, Alfred telling Arthur the rules to 'S.A.H.' (Hipster!Alfred is best Alfred), and that little end bit. But besides that, this is a filler.

I'm guessing this will be a longer story. It's already around fifty pages and nothing serious has happened yet, nor has Arthur started to devolp (love) feelings for Alfred. No way i'm rushing this story along. So this will be a longer story, how long, I don't know.

Oh and what's with my X thing between segments? I... I actually don't know. Before I just used this /**/, but I use an X for this. Maybe I think it looks cool or something.

Okay i'm going to go sleep until winter is over bye

(Just kidding the next chapter should be up in a week))

**By the way, **Reviews are seriously helpful. It just motivates me a lot to get moving on this thing! I'm not going to stop if I don't get reviews or anything, but it just helps me get the chapter done a lot faster. **Big Thanks to all of you who have been reviewing!**

* * *

**_X_**

I waited for Alfred after school, just like I said I would. This time I'm not backing out. After I got my bags I rushed outside to meet him at the flag post, actually excited. I was excited to hang out with other humans for once. Talk to Liz and Alfred, meet the mysterious Feliciano and Lovino, and avoid Francis. I'm not sure how I felt about Gilbert, I didn't know him very well yet, so I can't say. Maybe his Albinism made me uncomfortable, or the fact he had a relationship with Alfred. Maybe both. But, before I knew it, I was in fact at his house. It was odd seeing my house off at the end of my street and not walking to it.

Alfred's basement smelt faintly of cigars and french fries. Alfred's mother, Cynthia, didn't want us upstairs. She was a tall lady, but wasn't wide like Alfred was. I assumed Alfred got his broadness from his dad, because his mother looked spindly and weak. She looked worn down, just like my mom, but younger, and prettier.

But, she didn't want us dirty teenagers upstairs and sentenced us to the basement. Apparently whenever Alfred has friends over they all go into the basement because it seemed like a normal routine for him. I think Alfred's family is rich, his house is humongous, like the basement was huge and finished.

Basically, the basement was it's own floor. The floor had a deep purple carpet, and the walls were made of dark brown strips of wood. There was a couch and a brown chair across from that, a flat screen, and behind that some cupboards with what i'm guessing to be dry foods like cookies and smart-food popcorn. But that's only the just of it, thats only the main room. There is a bedroom, a bathroom, and as Alfred showed me this cool little 'hidden' room inside the bedroom. It wasn't really a room, just a small room that Alfred called the snuggle hideaway (I chuckled at that), and Alfred had filled it with blankets and pillows.

"I sleep in here sometimes, it's cozy," He told me. It really only looked like two people could fit in it.

"Mh, looks it."

After Alfred had shown me everything his wondrous basement had to offer, we sat down on the couch and began to talk, like normal people.

Now came the question of if I should tell Alfred about my erm, problem. My depression, my (possible) PTSD. My flashes. No, I shouldn't, I mean... Alfred doesn't have to know. It's not necessary. But, then again, if he sees me flash, it would be safe to have him know before hand. But, no, Alfred won't get that close to me. I can't let him, I can't let anyone get that close to me. So no, I won't tell him.

"So, what do you do?"

"hm?" I perked up in confusion, cocking my head as I turned towards him.

"I mean, hobbies," Alfred said, nodding as he turned to look towards the blank TV screen. He looked like some lax, cool guy, one arm along the back of the couch, and his legs crossed. Alfred was so attractive. Even if I didn't like him in that way, he is attractive. Just how Francis is attractive but I hate him. The difference being I like Alfred as a friend.

"Well, I don't do very much..." I murmured with a shrug. Does eating and sleeping count as a hobby? I can make a killer pillow fort. "Uhmm.. I guess I uh, I'm good in the arts of rest."

"Arts of rest?" Alfred turned to look towards me again, his brow creasing, but a smile displayed on his face.

"Yeah, I can uh, pillow forts." I said with a shrug, "And um, I don't know, I can make anything cozy. I sleep like, everywhere." I chuckled a little. Alfred laughed too.

"Well um... Do you play like, an instrument?"

"Nah," I shook my head. Alfred shuffled a little.

"That sucks," Alfred said. Then he yawned, stretching out his arms over his head. I nodded, not sure how else to respond. I do draw, but I don't do it very seriously. It's just something fun I do.

We fell silent. Alfred took a breath a few times as if he was about to speak, but then he didn't. Everytime he did, I looked towards him, then looked away.

...Maybe I should say something.

"So," I said, with a large, lofty sigh, "What do you guys... Call yourselves?" What I meant was where does Alfred beileve he fits in. Whatever it is, unless he classifies himself as a 'depressed teenager who could rip someones head off in a second', then I doubt I'd fit in with his friend group.

"Most definitely a hipster," Alfred said with the biggest grin ever. Ha, ha, nope. I knew it. Then there was another silence, and I was afraid it was going to be a long one, but it was quickly over by the basement door slamming open.

"Lizzie in the house!" Was heard, and Alfred smiled really wide, and it kinda hurt because he seemed relieved that someone less boring was here. But, I am boring, so it's okay for him to be relieved I guess. Still hurts though.

But then I heard some voices I didn't recognize, but despite that, I knew who they were. "Ciao Mother fuckers!" Alfred and I were now both leaning against the back of the couch, watching as Liz and two males start to march down the steps.

Feliciano and Lovino, I'm guessing. They both had very similar features, the only thing different was their hair color. One had red hair, the other had brown, but it was the same texture; curly and thick. Both clearly Italian, their slightly olive colored skin tanned to perfection. Jesus, are all of Alfred's friends handsome?

"Yo guys," Alfred said with a smile. I lifted up a hand in a weak wave.

"Hey, Arthur!" Liz completely ignored Alfred, he gawked, and Liz half-hugged my body. It felt nice, being noticed first, for once.

"Hey Liz," I said quietly, hugging her back gently. I could feel her breasts press against my chest, weird. It was odd how she liked me so much and we've only know each other for about a week, but I kinda liked it. I felt appreciated.

"Who's this bastard?" The brown-haired Italian said plainly. I narrowed my eyes after Liz separated from me, and I let out a small, defensive grunt. This is the way the Arthur Kirkland defends itself, it's deadly stare and territorial grunt warns off foes, but it's harmless besides that. "Ooh, wow, very scary."

"C'mon Lovi," Alfred hissed, looking at me, then back at the Italian. I'm guessing this was Lovino. "This is Arthur, be nice to him." Liz and the other boy, who I'm guessing was Feliciano, started to giggle.

"Don't mind him Arthur, he talks like that a lot," Liz said with a wide smile.

"Arthur?" Lovino questioned, and I looked at him with a scowl. I hated people who thought they were better than everybody else, which this guy clearly did. "I don't like that name..." Lovino paused, looking over me, "How about shithead? Yeah, that sounds good."

I snorted again, "Arthur."

Lovino flashed me a smirk, "Whatever ya say, shithead." Alfred then growled, which I expected Lovino to sink down like Francis had done during lunch, but Lovino kept his lips puckered and arms crossed, unfazed. "Wow, I'm really scared. Trying to protect your new friend,fruitcake?"

"He gives us rude nicknames," Liz said with a shrug, "I'm cuntface."

"And I'm dumbass," Feliciano chirped. He sounded much happier than his brother.

"Clearly, I'm fruitcake," Alfred said with a frustrated sigh, then he turned towards me slightly ,"Sorry about this."

"It's fine," I said with a shrug and a smile, like it was no big deal. And it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't even a deal.

Feliciano stepped out from behind his brother, walking over to me in the girliest way he could. It seemed happy, and he swayed his hips a little. It was odd how different the two were, a little unnerving actually. Feliciano reached a hand out to me, "Hey, I'm Feliciano, call me Feli if ya want."

"Or Mario!" Alfred added with a giggle.

"And do not call me Luigi." Lovino blurted out with a huff, crossing his arms.

I nodded, smiling a little as a kind, meeting response. "Nice to meet you, I'm Arthur. Just, call me Arthur." I shook his hand quickly, but it was a hardy, manly handshake.

"So, why's he here," Lovino motioned towards me as Feliciano stepped to the side a little. Liz put a hand on my shoulder, jeesh, personal space, lady.

"He's my friend," Alfred said with a snort.

"And mine too," Liz said.

Feliciano looked at me with a questioning glance as if asking permission to be my friend. I smiled and nodded, and the redhead lit up, "And mine!" I chuckled a little bit.

Lovino narrowed his eyes at me, straightening his back out a little. This guy is frustrating me more than he should be. "Don't tell me he's joining us."

"You make it sound like our friend group is a secret association of hipsters," Alfred said with a smile, but there was a clear amount of annoyance in his voice. I laughed a little at that though.

Eventually, Lovino looped around the couch, and we all sat normally. Fortunately, Liz made it clear she wanted to sit between Alfred and I, so Feliciano and his brother sat on the other side of Alfred. I started to miss Alfred's warm smiles, it was odd being around him and not seeing him smile. He had smiled a few times, but not the 'too-big-for-his-face' smiles that I liked.

"So, Arthur," Alfred began to speak, and I leaned over to see around Liz. "There has to be a few, small things ya have to do to become part of the S.A.H."

"S.A.H.?" Liz and I questioned. I heard Lovino groan in frustration as Alfred stood up.

"Secret Association of Hipsters," Alfred said with a wink and an idiotic smile. I rolled my eyes, but a lofty laugh left my throat. "Number one! You must never like new things!"

I looked at Alfred with a smile, my eyebrows arching upwards in that questioning expression. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Alfred paced around the couch. "No new things. Like a new band? Too bad. Like a band from 2005 and below? Only like their old songs. That's how it works." I couldn't even beileve what Alfred was saying, oh god, it was so strangely adorable but irritating. He his such the hipster.

"Okay," I rolled my eyes again. It was an eyeroll fest. I could tell Liz was watching us with an interest.

"Two, ditch those black sweatshirts. They don't compliment you, too baggy. And dark. I see you in British flag tanktops. I like the jeans, though." I growled a little bit at that, my fashion style? C'mon, I don't have a fashion style. The whole point of my sweaters is to be baggy.

"But I like the dark." I responded with, slowly taking my arms out of my sleeves and resting them on my stomach, still inside the sweater.

"But it doesn't look good on you." Alfred responded with simply, a shrug following. I frowned. "But okay, number three, you have to listen to Imagine Dragons."

I paused, Imagine Dragons... That's a erm, band, right? They play Radioactive, i've heard it on the radio a few times. "The guys who made radioactive?"

"Yes but we don't talk about that song," Alfred said with a small groan, "That song is new. New is our enemy as hipsters." Liz and Alfred began to giggle. But then Alfred leaned over toward me, his lips right above my ear. "But don't worry, I'll still be your friend even if you don't do that shit," he whispered. His lips and breath tickled my ear, and I felt my face grow a little hot. Shit, Arthur, cut it out.

Alfred pulled back and laughed. I smiled wearily back, as Alfred being that close to me was a little alarming. Not alarming in a bad way, though. "Okay, assignment for tonight," Alfred said once he pulled away, "You have to listen to Imagine Dragons. Not the Night Visions Album though, how about Hell and Silence? Yeah, listen to Hell And Silence, it's one of their old EP's."

I nodded in agreement. Listening to songs? That was easy, I can do that. But i'm not sure if i'll like them, hopefully I will so I don't fail Alfred. Even though he clearly stated he would still like me. I would still like to make him happy.

I went home soon after to get started on Alfred's homework. We parted with a warm smile, a wave, and a grimace from Lovino.

Okay, I really like Alfred. He's great, and funny, and so is Liz. Liz is a little touchy-feely though, but, I still like her. She's fun. I don't like Lovino though, he's a douche. He scoffs and frowns at everything I do, and it's aggravating. Whatever, I'm not letting this guy under my skin...!

But Alfred can get under my skin all he wants. Because he's nice to me, therefore I shall let him visit the areas under my skin. Damn that sounds wrong, but, you know what I mean...!

Maybe friendships are easier than I thought? So far I really like Alfred and Liz, and it's come to me so easily and fluidly. This is great, maybe life will be a little better this year. I'm not going to go out of my way for them, and hopefully they don't go out of their way for me. We'll just hang from time to time.

This looks like it's going to be a wonderful acquaintanceship.

X

I did infact do Alfred's homework of listening to the 'Hell and Silence' Imagine Dragons EP. It was... Well, alright. Not something i'd listen on an everyday basis, but the songs were fun. Selene and All Eyes had to be my favorites.

Alfred has now begun texting me on a everyday basis. We'd go back and forth for an hour until either he would have to do a chore, or I would need to eat dinner. He would start our conversations with dorky stuff like 'hey mofo'. A very few times I starter our conversations, but with calmer things like 'hey Al.'

My life became less messy. I had an actual agenda, what to do when, a script my brain followed. Find Liz in the morning, survive the first four periods and always sit in the back, sit at Alfred's table for lunch, and walk home with Alfred after school. I never went over his house again, we just walked to our street together before branching off. It was nice, I appreciated talking to Alfred. Francis started being less of a douche, but he still annoyed me. Gilbert was okay, he was kind of cocky and loud, louder than Alfred, but he didn't bother me purposefully. Alfred and Gilbert dating still makes me uncomfortable. They're an odd couple. Everything seems so forced, on both sides, but yet at the same time it looks real...

It's a little stressful, but nothing worth mentioning.

My trust with Toris has grown. He is a nice guy, gentle, but yet a little forceful. But his forcefulness isn't noticeable, he just tries to get me to talk about things that are deep, and if I get off topic, he'll suddenly, gently, push me back into the previous direction. It's a very good therapist personality. It seems he's actually interested in my life, in my thoughts, even if they aren't sad. Because i'm not sad constantly, especially now.

It's almost a joy to talk to Toris now. I really feel appreciated and understood. It's nice. Plus I don't have to worry about holding back.

"Good evening, Arthur," has always been Toris's greeting.

"Good evening, Toris," Has always been my comeback.

I sat down in the loveseat chair, it's purple fabric feeling nice against my skin. I folded my legs, feeling comforted and at home, as I had gotten really used to the environment now. Toris closed the door, folding his arms behind his back as he made his way back to his desk. I sat up and smiled a little.

"So," Toris's desk chair creaked loudly as he plopped back down in it. He leaned over his desk, folding his hands. He smiled. "How's it going?"

"Just dandy," I said with a smile, tapping my wrists, which were now bandage-free. The only thing on my wrists were faint scars and a crude drawing of a butterfly I drew out of boredom. "Alfred and I have been walking home every day now. And next semester when I take theater, Liz is gonna be in the same period with me."

"That's good," Toris smiled, nodding. "How are things going at home?"

"Well, I'm not going insane," I laughed a little, "Just as they were before, but, less cutting. I've been doing fine, so there is no reason for that." Toris nodded, the ends of his long hair bouncing a little. "The only thing that is bugging me is Alfred's relationship with Gilbert, but it's small, so I don't mind."

"How so?" Toris suddenly became interested, well, more interested. His brow creased and his lips puckered slightly, which was Toris's normal listening face. I bit my lip, I couldn't answer that question. I didn't know why it bugged me. It just made me uncomfortable, I guess. I don't like seeing relationships with people I like.

"Like, I guess I just don't, I like, hmm..." I paused to think, "I guess since I like Alfred, it's odd seeing him with someone. Like how I get uncomfortable with my parent's relationship."

"Ah."

I nodded, unsure of what to do.

"Do you like Alfred?"

"Well, yes."

"I mean, like-like Alfred."

"Oh, no." I shook my head, but I didn't say it as if I was disgusted with that. Alfred would be fun to date, and if he offered me to go out with him, and I wasn't mentally unstable, I'd take it. But I wouldn't allow that to happen as I don't want to hurt him with my flashes. "He's handsome, and I guess I would say yes if he asked me to date him, but it's not like I dream about it. I do not like-like Alfred." I didn't want to say love, love sounds odd.

"He's just a friend, okay," Toris chuckled quietly, "so, have you been drawing anything lately?"

"Just stupid swirly tornado things, I haven't had much time with school and all." Even though my life was going good, which was great, I felt bad that Toris and I didn't have much to talk about.

"Well erm," Toris paused, "how's school been?" Jeez, this is getting awkward.

"Just hard to wake up in the morning," I shrugged, "a little boring. I only see my friends during lunch and in the morning."

Despite these awkward visits, leaving from Toris' office I always felt fresh. Like, a good fresh, not a numb fresh. I felt all relieved and the rest of the day was just good. I would usually take a shower when I got home to feel twice as good. This is the reason why I looked forward to these visits, as afterward was the only time I felt good.

It was hard to imagine leaving a visit and not feeling good.

But I had no clue that despite the great new friends I had earned, and an awesome therapist, that I would not always be leaving my therapist's office happy. That nothing could stop me from myself besides one person I was too afraid to get close to. That this year would be one of the most busiest years in my entire life.

And 'busy' isn't an entirely good thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN_**

I deeply apologize for this being so incredibly short. There was supposed to be another piece of this chapter involving Arthur's family, but i'll save that for next chapter. There is no reason why I am, besides I didn't want to make anyone wait too long.

I still tried to do well on this chapter for the shortness of it.

The reason why this took so long was because of Anime Boston, which I, clearly went too. It was my first actual con so I really got ready for it. Plus school and stuff. Bleh. I went as Alfred, but there was like 20 other people cosplaying as him (which was expected!)

I'm also thinking of writing an SNK/Hetalia crossover. After seeing the dub premiere at AB I think my role in the Attack On Titan fandom just got renewed. I remember staying up all night to watch that series and cried when my favorite -freckled- character died. Oh jesus I cried.

But yeah, any opinions on an Attack On Titan/Hetalia crossover? It'd be Hetalia in the world of SNK, and it'd be usuk because I adore that couple more than I love food.

Sorry again about the shortness ^^" Enjoy~ (reviews are greatly appreciated still heheh~))

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**Chapter Five**

* * *

School parties. Yuck.

Well, not really 'yuck'. Parties are usually filled with freshman who think they're cool. School parties aren't wild and crazy which is nice, but still, they're boring. Teachers get mad at a kid for saying 'crap' and kick them out of the party. They're a little too docile. Which is something crazy for me to even say.

But for some odd reason, Alfred loves them. He seems really excited for this coming up one, which is odd. This school party is mostly for the Freshmen. But, Alfred, Liz and those guys look excited for it. Alfred told me about it, and that I absolutely had to go.

"But isn't it boring?" I had asked, kicking a rock as we made our way to our homes.

"No way," Alfred said, his eyes glued to the pavement. "We make them fun."

"Ah, do you kick the teachers house and get out the weed?"

"Oh 'cmon," Alfred snorted, "I don't do weed. Yuck. I am a man of the law!"

So, I am at a party. A school party. Surrounded by freshman and annoying-as-hell twerk songs. On a friday night. When I could be indulging in chocolate and taking peaceful walks.

This is a 'welcome to the worst years of your life' party for the freshman, but the teachers could care less if other grades came in. After waiting in line with Alfred babbling on to Liz about some TV show I could care less about, I was in. It was in the gym, and the gym is rather large as the school is big as well. But there is nothing special about the gym, it is your normal, everyday school gymnasium. At the end there is a DJ and his DJ equipment, and hanging on the top of the gym is a disco ball, which is always there incase there is a dance.

And we all sat down, and for the first time I got to see the whole crew. Alfred, Liz, Gilbert, Lovino, Feliciano, Carlos,and Francis. It's funny how Liz is the only girl, but she fits right in with the boys. Recently she got her pixie-hair dyed white. She kinda looks like MIley Cyrus now.

I sat next to Liz and Francis, joy, and to my disappointment Alfred completely ignored me and began talking with Gilbert. Again. Really the only time Alfred and I talked was when it was just me and him, sometimes Liz. So really I only got to talk to him when I walked home. It was a painful reminder that he wasn't my friend and just a pal, even though I'd rather think of him as a pal.

"I'm gonna go suggest some songs," Alfred said after hastily leaving his chair, not even giving anyone a chance to say bye. Soon the music kicked up, which was pretty loud and it irritated me beyond belief.

Right as Alfred left Lovino thought it was a perfect time to get me even more irritated, "Haven't seen you in a while, shithead." I grunted in irritation, rolling my eyes, I turned to look at Liz.

"So,"She began, her skinny fingers tapping the white table. We were all yelling, but it sounded like normal talking as the music was turned up so loud. "Anything else happen to ya from the time I saw you this morning to right now?"

My lips parted in a smile, and my shoulders lifted in a shrug, "Don't think so." Liz nodded a little.

"Nothing?"

"Alfred and I talked for about five minutes, he dragged me here, that's about it." I shrugged, resting my head in my hands. The music is too loud, I don't like it. "I mean, we've been planning it since Tuesday, but he made sure I wouldn't try to back out."

Liz smiled, her skinny, candy-colored lips parting for her tongue, which she stuck out playfully. "He's controlling."

"Not really," I said, looking over to her, "I mean... No, no he's not." I don't want to tell Liz who her best friend is, but Alfred's not controlling.

"Ehh," Liz gnawed on her lip, "..Yeah, yeah, I guess so. He's more of a hypocrite, I think. But if something doesn't go his way he tries to change it. You haven't known him that long, but you'll see it." I nodded, "And when things go his way he get's all gloaty." I knew that, Alfred was prideful. He seemed unbothered by everyones opinions (unless they offended him a lot, then Alfred would get angry. I think everyone was scared of angry-Alfred.), he seemed teasing when he was better than someone. Like, that guy on his football team or whatever, he teased him. "Well, what do you think about me?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, do ya like me?"

"Yeah, I like you," I nodded and smiled sheepishly. She gave me a sheepish smile as well. "You're cool." Liz was a bit pushy, but I wasn't going to say that too her face. Also, she was a little boy-ish. I'm not sure if she's lesbian or straight, or bi for that matter, but I am none to judge.

"Good," Liz smiled, and patted my shoulder roughly. And she likes to touch me a lot. "I like ya too, Art. You're a little quiet, and kind of emotionless, but that's okay!" She gave me a big smile, and I could tell she was trying to be smart. I rolled my eyes and smirked, playfully elbowing her in the tummy. I was cautious about touching her, I slowly did it.

"Well, thanks."

"But I like that about you, so." Liz shot me a less smart-ass smile, "You're a good break from these crazy boys. You're more down-to-earth."

"Really?" I muttered, feeling a little bit flustered by that. Flustered in a good way, though. I probably blushed a little, and my left hand awkwardly rubbed my cheek, as I always do when i'm nervous. Music is still too loud. Alfred still isn't back. I miss him. But, I like talking to Liz. It's a break from the complicated feelings of 'I won't let them get close to me' feelings I have with Alfred. Because Liz is a girl, and that changes everything. I don't feel as pressured.

"Yeah," Liz said. We both went silent, and I focused on the loud, high-pitched music for a few moments and how it bothered me, before I felt and heard something next to me move. Then a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at Liz.

"Do ya wanna dance?" She asked me, her face slightly red from all the yelling we were doing. I chuckled a little.

"I don't dance, Liz."

"Aw, c'mon," She puckered her lips and stared at me, and I shook my head again.

"I'll look like a fool."

"We all look like fools, do you think I can dance?"

"Yeah."

"Well I can't," Liz rolled her eyes, "Feli and Lovino can dance. Everyone else can't."

I turned away a little, "Sorry," I felt a little like a jerk. I didn't even want to be there, let alone dance. Liz looked a little hurt, and females always look extra-sad when they get upset with those big-eyes and all.

I heard Liz sigh a little. "It's fine, I can just go ask Al!" She sounded happy again, suddenly, and I felt less-bad. "Don't be afraid to join us, though." Liz flashes me a wink and a grin before taking off through the crowd, looking for Alfred. Now I was alone, despite the people around me, I was alone. Francis tried talking to me, but I don't really like him, so I ignored him. Gilbert and Carlos talked on, and Feliciano and Lovino seemed to stay in there little brotherly bubble.

I know I don't fit in here, with these guys. It's upsetting, I'd wish to fit into this group. But, only Alfred and Liz really like me. And I can't be their best-friends, and it hurts. But I know it's for the best. I know i'll hurt someone or myself if I let them get close.

Eventually Liz and Alfred showed up on the outskirts of the crowd, and Liz lied, she was a good dancer. Or, a good dancer to me. Both of them were. Alfred seemed a little more bulky then Liz because he was bigger, but they were both decent. Better than I could ever do. It hurt a little. I don't know why, It just did. I know it's selfish and stupid, but it hurt.

They joined hands and they just kinda... Had fun without me I guess. But I didn't want to do it in the first place, so... But, still, it hurt. Alfred looked awful adorable though. Maybe Liz did too, but I can't say that, because she's a girl.

After a few minutes Gilbert joined them, and that hurt me even more. Why am I doing this to myself, this is why I can't have friends. Especially someone like Alfred and Liz, they're partiers, not stay-at-home-and-sleep-all-day-ers like me. Feliciano and his brother ventured somewhere else with Carlos, and eventually, it was just me and Francis. I frowned a little.

He immediately took this chance to scoot closer as I heard the chair creak against the floor despite the loudness of the music. "Hey."

"Hi," I murmured angrily, resting my head in my hands with a scoff. Francis chuckled a little.

"Why aren't you with them?"

"If I may, I'd ask you the same."

"Well, why aren't you with them," Francis spoke a little more harshly now so I wouldn't use my attitude against him.

"I don't dance, that's why."

"I'm sure there is another reason." Francis smirked and let out a small laugh. I raised a brow and decided to think instead lashing out at the smart-ass blonde. I pondered that. Another reason? No, no, there wasn't another reason... But yet, now that Francis brought it up, maybe there was another reason. But I didn't know what it was, as my brain likes keeping secrets from me.

"Another..?" I stared at him, my confused look turning into a semi-glare. "...Maybe I just don't want to get close to them." I shrugged, and mentally slapped myself across the face. Did I really just say that in front of this jerk? Francis giggled, and I growled a little.

"Why not?" He asked, still smiling. He needs to shave, it bothers me. The music is still too loud.

"Because," I muttered, trying to shrug off the fact I just told Francis way to much about me and I could die from a case of oh-shit-I-said-something-wrong-to-an-asshole-asitus. "I just, I just can't. I like them and all, but, I.. I can't."

"Theres a reason." Francis grinned mischievously. Damn this Frenchie.

"Stop with your theories," I snorted, one side of my lips raising in a grimace.

"Nope, there is a reason, isn't there?"

"There is, but i'm not telling you."

We both grew silent, besides for the small murmur of 'fine' from Francis. He said it with a shrug, like he didn't have a care in the world, and it bugged me. The more the silence went on, the more I wanted to tell him. I wanted to scream it at him, the period of not-talking tugging at me.

But then I heard Alfred scream "Hey Arthur!" And I immediately felt better. I stood up, Francis copying my motion. I growled at him, he growled back jokingly. I trotted the rest of the way towards Alfred, Francis, to my dismay, following us.

"Hey Alfred," I said quietly.

"Whatcha doing? Have a little fun! I know it's kind of embarrassing at first, but it's fun...!" Alfred paused, they eyed the both of us. "Francis, why haven't you...?

"I'm keeping him company!" Francis puffed out his chest a little, proud that he was 'keeping me company', as if trying to be some hero. Maybe hanging out with a poor, helpless loser like me is considered a kind act.

I scoffed, "Tsk, wow," I said with a little sarcasm, crossing my arms. I didn't know how to get all my thoughts into one, sarcastic remark, so that's really all I said.

"Well, c'mon, let's go," Alfred finally said, and I thought he just met Francis, before he grabbed my arm gently and somehow pushed me closer to him in such a smooth way. I felt no restraint on my arm, nothing. Just a friendly tug. Alfred's strong, it makes me weary.

Now i'm clearly not going to be able to escape this... "Eh, Alfred.."

"Hm?" He turned his head to look at me, that smile filled with his awfully odd (but yet rather cute) childish innocence, his eyes wide and eyebrows raised. He was listening to me, that's for sure. He was getting ready for me to say something. It felt rather good, because no one ever listens to me. But I didn't want to tell him I didn't want too, as Alfred was so loyal and kind to me, I just couldn't do that.. But yet I had too. And as I thought about that, I just looked at him awkwardly, my mouth slightly open. Alfred's smile deterred after a few moments, most likely in confusion.

"I uhm... Don't.. Want to dance.." I murmured, looking away from his eyes. It was such a simple thing, but I felt bad, as Alfred is so nice to me all the time. And it's genuine kindness, not, 'I-feel-bad-for-you' kindness. I think Alfred may be a little too naive to have that kind of niceness towards anyone.

"Oh," Alfred's smile once again deterred, "Well, I get it's a lot to get used to," Alfred picked up his happy-go-lucky attitude again, "So, you can sit this one out, hm?"

"Yeah.." I murmured with a shrug, feeling a little bad once again. "I'm sorry.."

"It's alright! Join us whenever!" Alfred patted my head and the whole motion was really awkward, but because he was doing it it wasn't awkward, but i'm awkward so it was therefore an awkward motion. I swallowed.

"Okay," I said weakly as Alfred and Francis left my side, Francis glancing back but Alfred not even flinching or pausing to look at me. And I sat back down. Resting my head in my hands. Watching them. With some kind of fire in my tummy. But not a good fire, more of a hungry, but yet sick feeling. I didn't like it.

What exactly is this? I don't like liking people this much and not being able to get close to them. Why do I do this to myself? Why, why, why... It's all very aggravating. I growled at myself quietly, then realising that was odd, I covered my mouth. I don't even understand myself sometimes. I'm an odd creature.

After a while though, a song kicked up. And I recognized it, but it was one of Alfred and Liz's songs. I squinted a little, and slowly watched Alfred and Liz get excited. Then the rest followed. Besides Lovino, of course. He raised an eyebrow and frowned but I could see he was a little excited.

"It's our song!" Liz cried, then Alfred repeated her sentence as they grabbed onto each others shoulders. I raised my head a little, and something whispered quietly for me to go.

"You guys are like children," Lovino said with a snort. Go, Arthur, Join them.

"You like the song too, Lovi," Francis teased. Be nice. Stop the fire. Trust them.

And they started to dance. Like, really dance. And it looked like fun. And the freshman made way for my big, senior friends until they dance from my view. And I swallowed, the urge was strong. Join them, go, go, Arthur, just go. It's fine. Have fun.

Have fun. Trust them, trust yourself.

...Ehh, maybe I can't trust them, but I can have fun.

I got up from the table. I walked through the crowd of freshman who quickly made way for me, the 'scary' senior, until I almost fell into the circle Alfred and his crew had apparently cleared for themselves. I smiled a little, just a little, as I saw Alfred and Feliciano with their hands locked and swaying and Liz and Gilbert swaying and dipping, and Francis trying to coax Lovi to dance and Carlos laughed at them. Alfred saw me after I took everything in, and mouthed my name. The musics too loud, but i'm having fun.

Alfred reached out a little until I felt a powerful, rough jerk to my left arm. It was Liz. Her face was bright red, and her pixie cut a mess from all the energy she was giving off. She yelled my name happily, and I smiled a little before agreeing to dance with her. My self-control went numb and I completely forget was I was doing at the time, but it was fun. I could feel my limbs grow weak but I kept going, and so did Liz, and we both were smiling and it was a lot of fun. I could hear her humming the familiar song, and I could hear Francis and Alfred screaming it, but it was muffled because the music was so loud.

And then Feliciano and I started dancing somehow, i'm not sure how, but Feliciano is a goofball so I felt comfortable with him anyway. My cheeks were starting to feel sore from smiling. The musics too loud. But this is fun.

Then Alfred and I started to dance, somehow I would shift with people, and jesus he's adorable. He was bent over just enough to look eye-to-eye with me, a smile across his face. His hair darkened into a brown and sticking to his forehead from sweat. And it was fun. So, so much fun.

And somehow, I did that with them for the rest of the night. It was all a blur, and I regretted it a little afterward, but it was fun. And I guess I did like it, and I was happy that I decided to get over myself and dance with them. I almost passed out immediately when I got home, but I had fun, and it was halfway worth it. I think some spirit of the dance possesed me to somehow stay upright and moving and laughing that whole time, but I can clearly remember limping home, exhausted from all of that.

It was blurry, but I remember the fun. I think I even danced with francis at one point... I'm not sure.

I still don't trust them though. I just like them a lot, and I had fun with them. Totally different from trusting, totally different. They're not even my friends really, I just.. Like them. But they're not my friends. They can't be my friends. It's too risky for them to be my friends.

The music was too loud, my legs hurt, I was exhausted after, I probably looked like a fool, my cheeks were sore, it was all really fast, but, it was fun.

I remember lumbering home, all sore and half-asleep, looking at the stars over my house, and thinking that 'that was the... most interesting night of my life.'


	6. Chapter 6

**AN_**

Somewhat of a trigger warning for this chapter. Arthur thinks about cutting but does'nt actually do it. Also some bullying stuff involved. Enter at your own risk (I guess this chapter isn't too bad but just being careful)

Sorry for the delay, I've been obsessing over the ship JeanMarco latley and trying to make a fic out of that. They're just too cutee ughh

Some friendly fruk in this one, I like Francy-pants protecting Arthur ^^ It's cute in my opinion. Francis and Arthur will not in any time date in this, I know some people have Arthur date other people before he ends up with Alfred, but that won't be happening in this story ^^ I don't like romantic fruk but I like friendly/brotherly fruk *-* The only side couples in here will maybe be AusHun.

I made Liz kick some major ass in this one heheh

Oh yeah, first chapter without Alfred physically in it. More Arthur problems and other character's development. He is mentioned and there is that one line that shows his crush on Alfred is starting to develop but Arthur really doesn't know it yet ^^

* * *

I've never felt close to my parents. Well, I used to, like most children I relied on them for many things. But, once my depression came, I just feel so separated from them now, and I prefer it stays like that. I like taking care of things by myself. I still care for my parents, my mom more than my dad, and I feel bad, but I prefer it this way. I can't wait to move out. I feel bad that I, their son, turned into this, but... It's my life.

And in moments like these I'm really, really mad at the both of them. But this time, I don't know why I was. I was just... Mad. Really, really mad. And frustrated, and scared, for one of the stupidest reasons ever.

It all started with me grabbing dinner. I tried fleeing to my room as always, but my mother stopped me. I didn't mind, I liked my mom. A lot more than I liked my dad. "Honey, I would like to talk."

Mom always treated me gently. The few times she actually talked to me her voice was sweet like sugar, but it always bothered me. I'm not a child, I'm not mentally whack. She treats me like a five-year-old. "...Yeah?" I paused, turning to look at her. I felt pressured suddenly, she added extra sugar.

"Your, er, friends..."

"Alfred and Liz?" My mom nodded, "They're not my friends."

She seemed almost relieved like that. A big, airy sigh left her mouth and she smiled a little. I furrowed my brow. "You look relieved." That made mom wipe all signs of happiness off her face, and she started to play with her hands. Mom isn't a very good parent.

"Well, uhm, no, well, actually, yes, uh," Maybe I get my awkwardness from my mom. But, I'm her son. She shouldn't be talking to me like this. This is how I treat strangers, unless I really am a stranger to my parents. I have a quick temper with them, my irritation doubled when i'm around them.

"What?"

"Well, they don't seem like the best influence, I-I mean..."

"Mom, stop stuttering."

"Sorry."

"...And what do you mean?" I told myself to calm down, but mom's stalling wasn't making me happy. My mom's and I's appearance is surprisingly similar. She has the freckles, my wheat colored hair that looks worn from age (But, it really isn't worn from age), the thin body structure. Sadly I got my mom's girlier features. While my dad and I only share our eye color, strangely black eyebrows that don't match our hair, and nose shape. I wish I got his muscles, but instead I got my mom's baby skin and paper bones.

"We've seen them, coming home, well, drunk."

"Do you really think I'd go to a party? I'm already sick as it is, I don't need any alcohol." I said with an irritated snort. Calm down, Arthur, at least she's trying...

"Sick?" It's sad my mom didn't know what I meant by that.

"Mom, I sleep all day. There is clearly something wrong with me." It was a true, I normally didn't feel well. On weekends the pit of my tummy always felt warm, but a bad warm. And when I go outside I always feel dizzy or cold or my eyes hurt for the first few minutes. I'm constantly full but yet the only cure to my slump is food. It's all because I don't live a healthy lifestyle. It's all because i'm a super sulky teenager with possible PTSD and depression.

My mom sighed, "That's not the point," She said, somewhat sadly. Mom always looked old. Older than she should, mom is only forty, she's not that old. She looks at least five years older, all worn and small. Vulnerable. That's what i've done to her. I feel bad, but, I can't... I can't change that. When I think about it sometimes it hurts, it hurts me so bad that i've injured all who have loved me. That's why I can't get close to anyone.

"Well what is the point?" I asked with a shallow breath.

"I don't want you getting hurt."

"Mom, I'm smarter than that. You seem to not realize that. They're..." I paused, starting to back up slowly, "They're not my friends. They're a lot different from me, mom. They don't have self control. They don't have the urge to sleep all day. They don't have depression." I murmured, shrugging as I began walking back to my room.

"Depression? No such thing." My dad's voice startled me at first, but upon processing his words my neck snapped to the side and I let out a hiss.

"No such thing?" I shouted, "You know there is such thing!" My dad just sat in the livingroom, a frown on his face as he picked at his salad. "I was tested for it dad!" I hated when he brought up this conversation. My dad was stubborn. He didn't get it, nobody got it. Maybe I didn't even understand it.

"It's just an excuse, Arthur." He looked up at me with those damned eyes. The damned eyes that matched my own. I could feel my blood boil and erupt suddenly, damn him, damn the both of them... No, no, mom is trying. Dad isn't. Dad, he doesn't care. He just takes everything like a joke, he doesn't try to understand.

"It's not an excuse!" I hissed, stepping one foot into the doorway. I could see mom out of the corner of my eye, pretending to ignore us though she could clearly hear my shouts. "You know it's a sickness!"

"It's not."

"Is too!" I hissed, before stomping my way up to my room. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Damn him, that stupid, goddamn bastard. I slammed my door as loud as possible, setting my dinner down on my nightstand as I no longer felt hungry. Anger had taken up all capacity in my stomach.

I can feel it bubble and boil, and my whole body feels tense. I hate him, how dare he, I hate him. I didn't even realize I was pacing until I had been for a good fifteen minutes. I looked like an insane person, rubbing my arms, pacing and mumbling things silently to myself. Did I care? No, no I didn't.

I.. I need too...

No, Arthur, You don't need that. You don't even have a razor anymore.

But you need a new one.

No, I don't, I don't need a new one. I'm fine.

You know you want to hurt something. It might as well be you.

I know, I know...

The sensation of cutting haunted my mind. It felt sweet. Hurt a little, but maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much.

...Man, whenever I got this angry, I acted insane. I wasn't insane. But, I acted like I was sometimes.

I guess I realized that about half way in. Then I tried to calm myself down. I'm an adult, well, kind of, I need to act like one. I took a few deep breaths, and sat on my bed, and tried to calm down.

Calm, Arthur, Calm... You're okay. You're okay. No cuts, you're fine...

I just rubbed the wrist I enjoyed cutting the most. Dad first worked me up, but, I usually get myself panicked. I wasn't close to flashing, no, flashing usually happens for a certain reason. There is a thick line between flashing and being upset. But, I usually get myself worked up.

For once I wanted someone to hug me. Have someone else to tell me I was okay. Have a different hand from my own stroking my scarred, pale wrists.

...Ha, what am I saying? I'm being too sappy. Besides, who would do that, anyways? I wouldn't let anyone get that close to me, anyhow...

After calming down halfway, I texted Alfred.

**X**

Mondays have always been bad. I'm pretty sure everybody agrees with me on that one. For the first few periods of the day my tummy gets all warm and i'm about to pass out, and I just drag myself through the rest of the day, like everyone else.

But today is especially awful because Alfred is out sick. Usually I depend on him to brighten up my mondays with that perfect little smile of his, because somehow Alfred always seems happy, even on mondays. He texted me last night about having the stomach bug and 'throwing up so hard he lost his organs', according to what he told me. Alfred's rather odd.

So I sit, basically alone, except Francis and Gilbert. They have chosen to spend their lunch annoying me.

I like Gilbert... Kinda. He's cocky. And not a innocent cocky, but like, he's cocky. But he's not exactly a jerk... He's nice. Not Liz and Alfred's sweet-nice, but his own, 'i'm better than you' niceness.

"So when Al and I were watching the movie last night, all the sudden I just hear his stomach like, make this awful noise. We both started laughed though, it was funny." Gilbert wouldn't stop talking about the night Alfred texted me about his sickness. He gave me every detail, even the ones where Alfred went to go throw up suddenly and Gilbert could hear his awful gacking noises from outside the bathroom. He described it as "A deep-voiced bald eagle having sex". That made no sense as Eagles don't really have vocal chords, and I'm guessing Alfred didn't sound like 'ca-caw' when he threw up. But Francis and Gilbert thought it was hilarious.

I must admit, I'm somewhat jealous of Gilbert. He's so oblivious about how lucky he is to have such a sweet guy like Alfred, not to mention Alfred may be the handsomest male highschooler on this planet. It hurts a little when Gilbert talks about hanging out with him, because I never hang out with Alfred. Gilbert gets so much more time with him then I do.

I'm starting to like Francis more.

I'm not sure why and it's hard to admit, but, he's grown on me. Somehow that annoying attitude has grown on me. It's fun to argue with him, it doesn't stress me out, it fuels me to get things done. It's like a game to the both of us, and he's really able to get under my skin. He knows something's up with me, but, I actually feel as though I trust him more than I trust Alfred. Francis likes me, he's loyal, and he's proven that. It feels nice.

I allow him to walk back to class with me. Actually, I think he walks me back to class, because his class is in the opposite direction.

Francis is annoying, but he sure is a sweetheart...

My long monday finally ended with that last bell that seemed like it took an eternity to end. It's odd not meeting Alfred at his locker, with the two of us walking home. I had to force myself to turn in the opposite direction and trudged outside without him. Something was off. Awfully off. At first, I blamed it on the strangely chilly fall air. It was starting to get cold again. Winter made me feel even worse, its all dark and cold. I didn't look forward to it.

I walked through the back of the school rather fast, I wanted to beat the crowd. Usually when Alfred and I walked home I felt much safer, as Alfred was big, and if I got trampled he could most likely stop it. But now I was alone.

Now that I had somewhat of a social life, I noticed I felt lonely more. It was a feeling that was easily fixable by calling or texting Alfred or Liz, but times like this when I could call or text them always felt odd.

As I walked home, I felt something. An eerie feeling, that was suddenly entisfied. The feeling of being watched. I was still on school grounds, so, it's not like some person could come out and... Well, let me stay off that topic. Other students were around, I was fine. I still looked around though, trying to see if my feeling was correct. Then I saw them, and they saw me when I looked at them, and I suddenly felt scared.

That guy that had talked to Alfred all those days ago. The one on the football team with the skinny little blonde girl under his arm. He had a friend with him, but, he didn't seem half as threatening as even Alfred. They were watching me, closely. Once I saw him too, his eyes narrowed. Shit. I snapped my neck to the side and proceeded walking even faster, faster to the point where I was afraid I would trip over my own legs because I was forcing myself not to run.

Now I could feel their eyes digging into me. My eyes stayed glued to the ground in front of me. Oh no, what did I do, what did I do? I didn't do anything, they can't be staring at me, no, no... They can't be staring at me. I'm fine. I'm fine. Stop it Arthur, you're fine.

Next time I looked back to check if they were still there cautiously. They weren't. That scared me even more. I swallowed down hard, looking back straight ahead.

I should've known. I froze in my tracks.

They were in front of me, of course they were. They paced closer towards me, and I nervously backed up. Get it together Arthur, they're like dogs, they smell fear. Don't panic.

"Good day, gentleman," I murmured, looking up at the two of them. His name was... Connor, right? Maybe 'good day, gentleman', wasn't the best thing to say as I sounded like a real Brit. Which Americans tend to make fun of 'real Brits' a lot.

But to my surprise, they didn't laugh. Nor did they hiss, they looked neutral. "You're friends with Alfred, right?" The one who I believed to be Connor asked. I actually thought about this one.

"No," I said with a slight shrug, trying to seem cool, "Not really."

The one who I didn't have a clue about started to chuckle. "I've seen you with him a lot," Connor said, almost impatiently.

"Well, we hang out. But we're not friends."

"The point is, do you talk to him?"

"Yes, I do talk to him." This Connor kid was getting frustrated with me. I could tell he was trying to be cool, but now he was getting mad at me because I was ruining it. Which I guess was kinda cool. The lame-o Arthur was making some big, huge guy lose his cool.

"Tell him to watch his back."

I laughed a little, well, that was stupid. He's purposefully trying to look cool in front of me. "Well, why do you have to tell me this? It's kind of silly." Oh man, I can't beileve I was scared of these guys...

Then the Connor kid growled, and I jumped and felt my heart twinge. Oh yeah, I was afraid of them because they're huge. Connor's even bigger than Alfred, and even though Alfred's a dork i'm still threatened by him. This guy was bigger, and clearly didn't have good intentions, so I'm even more afraid. I swallowed as he took another step towards me. "Hey, are you trying to tell me something?"

"N-no sir," I shook my head, backing up. No, no, no, I shouldn't have said that. I should've just agreed with him and went on my way. "...It's just that you seem as if you're trying to pick a fight, is all. In a-all respect." Shit, I stuttered. He knows i'm scared.

Connor growled, "Well Jones started it." Why am I still even here?

"Well, just because he's a better football player than you, doesn't mean you have to throw a fit."

Oh.

I just said that, didn't I?

...Shit.

Connor lit up. I saw his eyes widen but then narrow, his lips curl like a cats to reveal his strangely white teeth, the strangely white teeth that look very similar to Alfred's. Shit, why did I say that? Fuck, fuck, fuck! My brain now said to run, run home so you don't get hurt, but my legs refused to listen.

My feet suddenly seemed to understand what I was trying to tell them right when I saw a fist swing my way. What the hell? Had I really gotten them that worked up? But instead of sprinting off like I wanted too, I stumbled. Oh. Why Arthur, why do you have to be so clumsy?

I got ready for the punch. I tensed up, put my hands over my head as if that could possibly save me, and got ready for the freight train to ram into my face. I watched him raise his fist again before I closed my eyes and waited. Waited for something to happen. No one would save me. Actually, people were beginning to watch at this point. What had I done wrong? I'm going to think again before mocking this guy, shit, shit, shit...

But it never came. I blinked my eyes open as I heard my name. I almost burst out crying, thank god...

Francis. Francis was here. He could help me. He could save me. Thank god, thank god...! He sprinted towards me, that blonde mop in which was pulled back into a cute little ponytail flopping over his shoulders. I couldn't be happier to see that damned face.

It distracted Connor too, which is why he hadn't punched me. He was turned, watching Francis bound over. The blonde was out of breath once he reached us, Francis was probably a little out of shape, much like me. It all happened quickly, he put himself between me and Connor, spreading his arms out to protect me. I had never felt so loved in my entire, pathetic lifetime.

"C'mon, Mon ami, Arthur didn't mean whatever he said...!" Francis's voice sounded airy and he was clearly out of breath. I watched his back move quickly with his breathing. "Right, Arthur?" He turned quickly to look at me, and I hastily nodded, only looking at him. I was okay, Francis could get me out of this, I'm okay... I pathetically started trying to climb to my feet once more, but my legs were all shaky and it was hard, so I just struggled to my knees.

"He's-!" Connor started. Francis interrupted him.

"He didn't mean it, I swear, we're all friends here, hm?" Francis gently nudged my kneecap with the bottom of his shoe, "Now Arthur say you're sorry." He looked at me with this nervous stare, telling me that he was desperate. And No matter how much I wanted to say 'you started it', I had to say sorry.

"M'sorry..." I looked down to the sidewalk, trying to hide my partial shame. I felt like a child, now. But... I have to be grateful for Francis coming. Even though I can feel my cheeks get red, I have to be grateful.

"See? He's sorry, we're all friends, here," Francis put out his hands, as if saying 'woah man', but I knew he wasn't. I could see Liz jogging over in the distance, but she seemed to realize Francis already found me. He nudged me with his foot again, and motioned with his head for me to leave. I wanted to tell him i'm not a child, but I really am pathetic with no one to protect me, anyways, I wanted someone to help me in the first place...

Before I was about to stand, though, I heard that chilling noise of bone hitting skin. I looked up quickly, watching Francis take a good tumble to the sidewalk with a loud, but rather manly whimper. Connor had his fist where Francis's head was previously, and I felt bile start to rise in my throat.

Oh no.

"Francis..!" I gasped, mainly, diving over to the Frenchman with a bloody lip. My fault, my fault, my fault... If only I wasn't so pathetic. Francis let out a moan, his eyebrows furrowing and those deep blue eyes peering up at me. Once of his hands reached up to trace a part of his chin, which was now already forming a bruise. He cringed. Oh no, my fault, my fault. Francis, i'm sorry, i'm so so sorry...! "Are you okay?"

"Mff, yeah," It came out as a mumble, but I was glad he could talk. He cracked some cocky smile at me, before he cringed, that smile probably hurt his lip. My fault, my fault, my fault...

I jumped when I heard another scream. But this time, it was... Girly. Ish. Girly-ish. It was clearly angry and I looked over to see Liz kicking that Connor kid in the crotch, and he immediately fell to his knees while his friend ran off. "Don't you dare touch him again!" Was all that left her once friendly, cherry red lips.

I looked back down to Francis and his bleeding lip and bruised cheek, that cocky smile wiped clean off his face.

What have I done.


End file.
